When it happens, you won’t want to believe it. You’ll take
their word for it when they say they’re busy, swamped at work, “just doing me.”
You’ll make excuses for them, put your finger on extra loud in case they call.
But you’ll still feel the change, and because you can’t rationalize it, you’ll
try to ignore it.
It’s a specific kind of loneliness that hits you like a wave
of nausea. When the two of you are having a beer and you realize that you have
both been staring out the same window for twenty minutes, nothing to say, the
opposite of a comfortable silence. When they cancel plans consistently and
stall when giving you reasons. When you scroll through your contacts and stop
at their name and almost call but don’t, feeling suddenly, inexplicably,
abandoned and confused.
Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of a
friendship. No falling out, no major disagreement. Sometimes it just falls
apart for no good reason. Distance... New
relationships… Priorities... Somehow these things can become more important
than your connection; they shouldn’t but they do. And as we get older we tend
to downsize, prioritize. Trim the corners of our lives, keeping what’s
important and discarding what isn’t. Sometimes we stop needing people in our
lives and it isn’t even conscious. No one wakes up in the morning actively
thinking “Hmm, I think I’ll stop being friends with so-and-so today.” It just
goes out with an empty fizz, like a cigarette hitting the bottom of a Coke can.
In so many ways, losing a friend is worse than losing a
lover. Lovers are transient for the most part but friends are supposed to be
there for you always, or so we like to believe. Friendship is a special kind of
love that’s not supposed to fade. You never expect the one person you thought
you could always depend on to disappear without saying goodbye. And when they
do you feel sickeningly stupid and cheated, wondering what you meant to them
all along, whether you were just convenient or in the right place at the right
time. You never really know for sure.
…
In life, it’s a given that you will lose people. People will
flow in and out like curtains through an open window, sometimes for no reason
at all. But losing someone important to you will feel like a sucker punch every
single time, and you’ll never see it coming. Which makes the friendships that
do hold out, the ones that make it through countless breakdowns and
breakthroughs and changes and years, so damn important.
Do you have that one person you were once so close to -and
for so long -that you are now basically nothing more than strangers with? Maybe
you don’t know exactly what happened, as if things drifted slowly and although
there is no “bad blood” things just don’t seem to work anymore. Strangers can
become best friends just as easily as best friends can become strangers, it’s
odd. But why does it happen?
….
I know I have experienced this a number of times in my life
and maybe you have too. We have friends that we just can never picture
ourselves not having close to us. We love them, they bond and connect so well
with us, they are there for you and you are there for them. Then one day, as if
out of nowhere, you realize they simply aren’t a big part of your life anymore.
You don’t know whether to feel bad or feel like it’s somehow
your fault. Maybe you didn’t reach out enough or maybe you did something wrong.
But the truth is, if you can’t put a clear cut answer to why, it’s probably
simply because paths changed and you simply didn’t connect in the same way.
It’s not to say you can’t again or that you are suddenly not friends, but more
so that it’s simply not a serving aspect of both of your journey’s to be that
close anymore.
I believe that to be entirely okay. There is nothing wrong
with having amazing people in your life one day and simply going separate
directions not long after. We have to respect each other, our journey’s and
where we are going. We cannot judge one another for our choices or because we
feel inspired by something else. So often we can talk poorly about those who
have drifted as if they didn’t “value” the friendship, but is it really about value?
Is it about making something work simply because it was once there? Or is it
possible that we can play roles in each others lives for periods of time and
move on?
We are beings of change and we can go through changes very
quickly. Who we are one day can adjust very quickly and sometimes that means we
take different paths in life. This can lead you to new people and ultimately
new “best friends.” What I’m trying to say is, if you ever feel guilty or bad
about how things may have drifted from close friends of your past, don’t. It’s
normal, it happens, it’s okay and if you like, you can communicate with those
people about it.
Imagine you and your best friend (or friends from your past)
like radio stations. Sometimes, you are all tuned into the same thing and
vibing the same way, then, people change and the frequencies of each person
change. Suddenly you’re dialed into different stations and they just don’t mesh
in the same way. Instead, you now mesh with another person or group of people
who are dialed into your station.
This doesn’t mean we can’t remain friends simply because we
change, it simply means it happens, and when it does, it’s okay! I have many
friends who I don’t see as often but can still call up and connect with very
easily. I will always be grateful for those friendships no matter what, but
does it mean we will always be super tight? No, and that’s cool.
…..
Sometimes things can drift because something happens between
us. It can be big or it can be small. These are the types of “splits” where we
ask ourselves: “are we simply not friends because we are unable to move past a
disagreement?” Many times we can still very much be dialed into that same
station with another person, yet someone peeved the other one off and no one
wants to give in. This is where we can really just take advantage of a great
opportunity to learn a lot about facing ourselves and communication.
This type of situation is one that is just so tough to see.
We spend so much time holding grudges and holding onto toxic feelings and
judgments because we can’t just make peace with what may have happened. Deep
down, we all seem to want to have these people back in our lives but at some
point, we simply don’t know how to make it happen anymore. Either we are too
scared to be the one to call them first or we just don’t even know what to say.
If we let it go long enough, we can completely “get over”
what happened, but still have no clue how to rekindle that friendship because
we don’t know how it will look. Funny thing is, I’ve seen so many examples of
accidental meetings in these cases where the two friends hit it off like no
tomorrow. Imagine if one were to have just called the other years ago?
I recently had this discussion with some good friends of mine. We’re all strong, fiercely independent women who never had anything handed to them in life. We’ve worked hard for what we have and have accomplished many amazing things. We have learned to do things on our own without anyone’s help, especially men. Personally, I have done it as a necessity, not as something I particularly want. Trust me, I would love a man around the house. I am very much a traditionalist when it comes to gender roles. Yes, I said it.
I believe men should be men and women should be women. I love taking care of my man and doing all the traditional women roles like cooking and cleaning and making him feel like a king. That’s just who I am. But, I also expect him to be a man who takes on that dominant protective role. I think it provides balance. Maybe some people will think the way I think is backwards and women and men should be equal and yayyy women blah blah blah. Hey I totally agree that women and men should have equal opportunities but I want a man who takes care of me physically, emotionally and mentally and I will, in turn, take care of all his needs. Is that too much to ask?
Seldom do we have an exact picture of the path ahead, so we accept what arises with determined courage.
It is natural to uphold a level of control, yet we need uncertainty to prevail since the seeds of opportunity lie in the unexpected.
At a deeper level, we fear uncertainty because we lack the life skills to navigate through it. Recognised as the mind’s negativity bias, we doubt our capacity to cope with the unexpected and exaggerate events to the detriment of our mental and emotional wellbeing.
With so much talk of stress these days, we need to know what the imminent future holds in store for us. Yet the security we crave for is but an illusion to lull us into a false sense of safety.
Author David Rock states in Your Brain at Work, “The brain craves certainty. A sense of uncertainty about the future and feeling out of control both generate strong limbic system responses.”
As a result your brain looks to your external environment to reinforce a known sense of balance. In primitive times our ancestors had to contend with a variety of conditions to sustain life. The threat of wild animals, adjusting to climatic conditions, fear of attack from rival tribes and the outbreak of disease, were barriers to their survival.
Thankfully, life in the modern world is not as bleak, yet modern life is replete with its own stressors which pose a hazard to our wellbeing. Uncertainty for the modern man is contained within: intimate relationships, volatile economies, uncertain job security, weather fluctuations and health concerns.
Bruce Hood affirms in his book The Self Illusion, “…in situations where outcomes are important, we get stressed by uncertainty and feel the need to do something so that we can have the illusion that we can control events.”
To retain binding command of our lives is both a blessing and curse. In one way it affirms our sense of safety, knowing we need not contend with tentative conditions. On the other hand, its misleading bias is overstated by our limited control, if any.
It is no surprise that the mind is notorious for emphasising circumstances which appear less dramatic than they are. Known in psychology as catastrophizing, the inherent bias to perceive events within a negative context.
The fear of “not knowing” what lies ahead impedes our long term welfare. At a deeper level, fear of the future terrifies us because of the unfamiliar conditions which lie ahead. It interferes with attaining emotional freedom.
“Faith means living with uncertainty – feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark.” – Dan Millman
So how can we embrace the unexpected without the barrage of emotions which ensue?
To accept uncertainty in our lives requires a change in perspective. We yield to the intrinsic forces of life instead of oppose them. However uncomfortable it may seem, we surrender to the natural order of events by leaning in to our fears and insecurities.
You reason with your anxieties by perceiving them with a logical mind instead of becoming embroiled in them. Otherwise, we risk activating our fight or flight nervous system every time, which senses we are in imminent danger instead of being uncomfortable.
Remain present in your body when anxiety threatens your emotional wellbeing. Choose a proper time to examine the motivation for your anxiety.
Have there been moments in the past which caused similar anxiety?
If so, are you repeating those same feelings instead of facing them?
Fear is a confronting emotion, though we gain strength when we embrace it as a useful emotion. I often remind myself that fear is an illusion. I can reduce the volume of fear by being exposed to it moderately each time.
We rarely have all the answers, which means uncertainty is as much an inner declaration that everything will turn out well in due course. It strengthens our resolve and commitment to the natural cycles of life. Change in itself is terrifying, not the conditions themselves.
The key lesson is to be comfortable with uncertainty – why? Because it exists and we should avoid retreating in resignation wishing life were different.
We evolve by being exposed to uncertainty and confronting our fears, otherwise they dominate our mental landscape and grow in intensity. To that extreme that which we oppose must be met head on.
It was the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius who declared, “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
Find middle ground between living with uncertainty and maintaining a level of control, short of manipulating outcomes. Let go of tension, anxiety and fear by embracing the unknown. Consider uncertainty a worthwhile journey toward a daring future.
Uncertainty allows us to re-evaluate the past and make new choices in light of what transpires. It presents opportunities to create a compelling future based on new information. Often, our most ambitious plans emerge through the obscuring veil of uncertainty.
Welcome curiosity and excitement which go with uncertainty by affirming your belief to move through it with ease. The vital lesson is to expose yourself to uncertainty by building your tolerance to it.
To know the future, we must become acquainted with our present actions while embracing uncertainty. In doing so, we move toward the unknown with firm ambition to resolve the past
Feeling alone when you are single is normal, the emotion makes sense. When you feel alone with another person, it’s so much more depressing because the whole point of being with another person is that they are supposed to NOT make you feel alone.
My number one criterion for dating someone now is they can’t make me feel like an alien. I feel like an alien when I talk to someone who doesn’t care about finding meaning in life or being intellectually curious or doesn’t understand why “that’s just the way it is” isn’t a conversation ender. For some reason beyond my comprehension, these are difficult qualities to find. I’m not making a value claim about whether this means people are good or bad, just that I want to relate to someone, if that’s the point of coupling up.
Being in a relationship is kind of making a bet on the future, this is the crowning pinnacle of your life, your teammate and “other half.” It’s bleak to think in those terms, like, if that person doesn’t understand you–that was the best you could hope for, it will never happen.
I’m sure it’s a problem with me, don’t get me wrong. Like, why am I not peeing my pants out of excitement to be in a relationship like everyone else in the world is?
I think I am missing something, a piece of information that everyone knows except for me about how other people increase your happiness. I can easily imagine that being the case, but in reality I’m still fighting to find proof.
Take a step back. Look at yourself. You are
human. You are beautiful. you are so beautiful. And you can be anything. You
can be everything. Do not hate because someone broke your heart, or because
your parents split up or your best friend betrayed you. Do not concern yourself
with things you cannot control. Cry when you need to, then let go when it’s
time. Don’t hang on to painful memories just because you’re afraid to forget.
Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren’t worth
remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. Live
for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love.
Fall out of love. Do this over and over until you know what it really is to
love someone. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the
stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Make something
beautiful and then destroy it. Meet new people. Make someone’s day. Follow your
dreams. Live your life to its full potential. Just live. Let go of all the
horrible things in your life and just live. And one day, when you’re old, look
back with no regrets.
“I always thought about, in early life, our objective,
certainly people in the design profession, is to look professional, and to feel
professional…. and you wanted to have that veneer and that sense of authority…
and it was all we really wanted to do – you come out of school and you want
your work to look like these marvellously slick, professional things that were
in the world…”
“And then at a certain point, you reach professional level,
and your work looks like that, and you realize its not enough. That merely, getting to a point where your
work looks good enough to be called professional is just the starting point.”
“…as a metaphor… when you start to learn how to draw… you
are so overwhelmed with the difficulty with making things look like what they
are… and you almost die trying to control your nerve endings so that the object
looks like its supposed to, and you spend years doing that. And then finally
you get to the point when you finally draw something that looks like what they
are.”
“And then you discover, that’s not the point. That being able to draw something that looks
like something, is nothing. That that is
only the starting point. Now you have to
ask yourself, how do I make a good drawing, or an expressive drawing, or a
drawing that means something. Because
the ability to only make it accurate, is actually a low-level ability. Even though its taken you years to get to
that point, its not very relevant. But
there’s no other way to get there.
“The same thing is true of your work. You sort of strive to
make it look good, and make it look as good as your peers, and make it looks as
good as the other stuff in the “Art Directors Annual”, and so on. And then at a certain point if you continue
and persevere, you realize that’s not good enough. You have to go beyond that level, in order to
engage that other thing, which is true expressive content, true meaning.”
-Milton Glaser, Design Matters
A metaphor that, I think, applies to all aspects of work,
and anyone who wants to be truly great at what they do.
A lot of us have built dreams with people we hoped would be
with us forever only to wake up to reality that nothing is permanent in this
world. Love comes and goes. People stay and leave. Life is a constant cycle of
finding and losing; of making and breaking; of dying and living again. That is
why we should love them right for we may never tell. We might wake up one day
realizing that we already lost the people we ought to protect and love.
“I'm guilty of giving people more chances than they
deserve but when I'm done, I'm done.”
The concept of LOVE has been explored by many artists throughout
history.
Love is a very strong emotion, and is probably as difficult
to define as art itself. There are several kinds of love – maternal,
patriotism, brotherly, romantic love, etc. Famous LOVE Artwork
Robert Indiana, Love, 1971
Love (above) is a famous sculpture by American Pop artist
Robert Indiana. There are several versions, at the Indianapolis Museum of Art,
Philadelphia Museum of Art and the one above located in New York City, USA.
The Kiss by Gustav Klimt
The Kiss (1907-1908) is a much loved painting by Gustav
Klimt, an Austrian painter.
The painting displays an embracing couple,
surrounded by patterns in the robes. The style was influenced by the arts and
crafts movement and Art Nouveau. The mediums are oil and gold leaf on canvas.
In The Garden
- Pierre Auguste Renoir
Renoir
painted this painting in 1885, and it is now displayed at the Hermitage Museum
in Saint Petersburg, Russia.
A couple is
seen relaxing and surrounded by the beauty of the garden. The man gazes at the
lady, seemingly eager to capture her attention. A bouquet of flowers lay on the
table. He holds one hand and wraps the
other around her waist, while she gazes at the viewer.
The love of
the young man seems to be unrequited.
The Kiss -
Edvard Munch
Edvard Munch
(better known for his painting The Scream) captured the passion of love in this
powerful expressionist painting The Kiss (1897).
The faces are
indistinguishable and locked together in a kiss. The image is dramatic and
moody. The figures are melded together in an embrace, oblivious of anything
else but each other.
The Kiss –
Auguste Rodin
This marble
sculpture was created by Rodin in 1889. The concept for the sculpture
originated from a relief in Rodin’s The Gates of Hell. The sculpture stirred
controversy because of the erotic imagery, and first wasn’t considered
appropriate for public viewing.
The Lovers -
Rene Magritte
The Lovers is
a painting by French surrealist Rene Magritte, created in 1928.
The painting
depicts a veiled couple embracing and kissing. Obviously symbolic, many have
speculated about why the couple is veiled. Many have also interpreted the
painting in different ways – the common interpretation being “Love is blind”.
According to Munch, this painting refers to his memory of
first love. (Contrary to the calm serenity of the painting, it was a tumultuous
affair with a married woman, Milly Thaulow.)
"I stood before the Mystery of Woman - I looked into an
undreamt-of World..." (Munch's manuscripts)
