Kadın

“Kader size üç acı pay ayırdı:

İlki bir köleyle evlenmek,

İkinci bir kölenin annesi olmak

Üçüncüsü, bütün hayatınız boyunca bir köleye itaat etmek”

Kadın...Nekrassov dizelerinde kadının yerini trajik bir şekilde ortaya koyar. Tarih boyunca kadın farklı toplumlarda değişik statülerde toplum içinde kendine yer bulmuş. Ataerkil toplumlarda çoğu zaman ikincil bir varklık iken, hatta  bazen değersiz olarak görülürken, ilkel topluluklarda yani anaerkil yapının olduğu toplumlarda ise kadın kutsallaştırışmıştır. Bazı toplumlar da ise kendine erkeklerle eşit bir statü bulmuş ve eşit haklara sahip olmuştur.

Kadnının modern ve geleneksel toplumlardaki yerini kültürel, sosyal ve ekonomik koşullar belirlemekte. Kadın olmanın modern ve gelişmiş toplumlardaki zorluğuna her yerde rastlarsınız. Ancak iki kültür arasına sıkışmış kadınların kendini bulma yolculuğundan pekte bahsedilmez. Kim bilir belkide bu kendini bulma sürecinin çetrefilli ve uzun oluşundandir .

Geleneksel bir toplumnda kadın olmak.. Zordur geleneksel bir toplumda kadın olmak! Sizden küçük yaşlarda beklentiler vardır. Öce ev işlerine yardım gibi küçük kadın rollleri verilir. Zaman küçük erkek kardeşinizin babanıza fikri beyan ettiği yerde siz ayakta beklersiniz. Fikir beyan etmeniz, konuyla ilgili bir düşüncenizin olabileceği zaten akla bile getirilmez. Çevreniz sizi kişiliksizleştirmeye çalışılır. Bu çevreye sonradan dahil olursanız sizin var olan kadın rolunu almanız beklenir. Fikir beyan etmeniz, kararlar verebilmeniz hatta bazen kendinize olan güveniniz, kendinizle ilgili farkındalık düzeyiniz yadırganır. İnsanların bakışlarına maruz kalır, akıllarından geçenleri tahmin eder görmezden geldiğinizi sanırsınız bir süre. Başlarda umarsızca insanlara baş kaldırırsınız. Belkide don kişotçuluk oynarsınız sadece tüm bu süreç boyunca. Belikde sadece kendinizi kandırıp oyalıyorsunuzdur. An gelir siz olmadığınızı farkedirsiniz. Rahatsızlık duyarsınzı size , sizin isteminiz dışında giydirilen bu rollerden. Medeni toplumda kendinizi geliştirme alanınız daha geniştir. Size tanınan alanlar daha geniştir. İmkanlarınız daha fazladır. Burada da size biçilen klasik kadın rolleri vardır. Ancak size tanınan özgürlük alanında kendinizi gerçekleştirme fırsatı daha çok bulursunuz. Belki merdivenin yukarılarında daha fazla erkek egomanyasıyla karsılasırsınız. Bu sizde rahatsızlık uyandırır. Ancak hissedeceğiniz geleneksel bir toplumdaki kadar değil.

Life

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves at a dead end or a crossroads or on a path that seems to go nowhere. No matter what stage you are at in life, if you are unhappy with it, or unsure as to how to proceed, then you need to reevaluate.

You do not know what’s going to make you happy in the next five years. But you do know what makes you happy now.

Life is full of interesting twists and turns, but if we continually pursue things that we enjoy doing whether for a job or hobby, it will make the journey interesting and more fun. If you have something you really want to pursue, then you must be able to live with some amount of discomfort in order to do that.

Stuff happens. Take uncertainty and turn it on its head. Every bad thing is an opportunity to make something good happen.

You’re not getting younger. Sorry, but it’s true. If you don’t start taking the time to pursue your dreams, you might find yourself at the end of your life with nothing to proud of.If you are serious about pursuing a dream, you better get on it. Take those first steps. You won’t get anywhere merely thinking about how great you could be.

Take some time for yourself. Ask yourself big questions and small ones. Learn about yourself. Write down the things that interest you and things you could see yourself doing if time and money were no object. Dream big. Quiet your mind and really imagine yourself doing those things.

Reflections

Our society has been promoting self-love and the idea of putting yourself first for a while now. I’m sure you’ve all battled with the idea of just doing what’s right for you vs. the possibility of hurting others. I hear why self-love and care is so important, but I also wonder where we should draw the line.  Where does self-love end and selfishness begin?

…

Self-love comes from a place of peaceful acceptance. It is your ability to honor all your successes as well as your short comings. Loving yourself means appreciating who you are as a person. It means knowing how to take care of yourself, while also developing the capability to love others for who they are as well.

Selfishness is the lack of concern for the values of others. It is acting only on self-interest with disregard to the effects it may have on others.

….

Loving yourself is coming to terms with your flaws and critiquing them constructively. It means you know yourself very well, and understand that all you ever need is within you. You do not find it necessary to stress or prove yourself to anyone, because you are at peace with who you are. Whereas selfishness comes from a place of fear. It is when you constantly feel the need to impress yourself and impress others. Selfishness is attacking others personalities and beliefs to satisfy your inner ego. Selfishness comes from the inability to love oneself. It may seem that a selfish person loves themselves way too much, but on the contrary. They are actually quite unfulfilled. How can you expect someone who can’t see the beauty of their inner-self to see the beauty in others and the world around them? 

The way I see it, a person that has self- love can give love because they have love. To create a world of harmony you must learn to love yourself and love others.

It's All About Me!!

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”


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Most blamers see nothing wrong in blaming others for anything and everything. When things go wrong in their own lives, someone else is always to blame -- nothing is ever their fault. They tend to be irrational; therefore you can't reason with them. Don't even try.

It's best to avoid this type of personality (narcissistic), as this disorder includes being negative, which can have a destructive affect on you.

Don't become a victim of a negative personality. It can literally ruin your life, especially if you and your accuser are related or are close friends.

You may even be better off by choosing to disassociate (and thereby severing) the toxic relationship. If you find that you just can't do this, at least set up specific boundaries to protect yourself.
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At one time or another, most of us are blamed for something we didn't do. It feels unjust and unfair. And, it is. Even though we may be completely guiltless, we feel guilty.
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I've learned that anyone who accuses us of improper behavior and lies isn't really worth worrying about. Your accuser has personal issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you. At the time you are being blamed, knowing this may not help much. Even so, it is true.
Often, jealousy, insecurity, and low self-esteem are coursing through a liar's veins. The only way they can feel their own importance is to gossip viciously about other people, bringing them down so that they themselves can feel better about who they are.

To intentionally accuse someone of doing something they know is a lie gives the liar a feeling of importance. Feel sorry for them, my friend. They are miserable individuals and cannot find joy within. They are unable to feel good themselves so they continue this endless road of slum and slime as they pass judgement and make up lies about other people.
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You do not need to prove your innocence to anyone if you are indeed innocent. You already know in your heart that you have clean hands. This is all that matters. It is not necessary to prove to anyone that you are not guilty. Do not fuel the evil fire by giving these lies power.
Only by feeling love for our enemies (anyone who is against us) can we be free. So try to forgive and that includes forgetting.

Is this easy? No, it isn't. In fact, it's hard...very hard. But if you can grow to this level it will help you to feel peace as you struggle through a difficult time. Have patience, both with yourself and your accuser. The truth will eventually be known, and it is truth that will set you free.
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Help is on the way. You're going to feel relieved as you learn how to deal and cope with destructive behavior. No longer will you have to be a victim of blame and negativity.

Sorry, but the world doesn’t revolve around you!

"I’ll bet you know someone who believes the world revolves around them.  Maybe you are one of these special people.  But I have to tell you, that if one more person is trying to get into the trunk of my car while driving at seventy miles per hour I think I am going to scream.

I don’t care if it’s someone’s impatience when standing in line or waiting for a returned phone call.  Or, people who believe that when they text or email you, you should have your cell phone or laptop available at a moment’s notice and respond before you take your next breath – these people need to understand that other than them, we have a life.  Or, is it parents in a restaurant that let their kids create chaos all around them while they scream and yell and you are trying to have a romantic or business meal?

Know anyone like this?  Come on…. It seems that most people today feel that they should be the center of everyone else’s world.

Maybe a customer feels they are your only customer and you should respond to their every request immediately or a supervisor who expects you to drop all of your routine tasks to immediately respond to a request of theirs regardless of its urgency.

I could give you dozens more examples where people believe that they are the center of the world, but I’m sure you don’t need more examples as we all have to deal with these people sooner or later in a variety of settings.

Why do so many people work themselves into a twit when life doesn’t go the way they expect or according to their schedule and agenda?

Is it ego or arrogance?  Is it narcissism or selfishness?  Is it their stress level or insecurity? Or is it just their need to feel important in some way?

There’s a book here, but I won’t bore you with numerous causes or reasons for this behavior, but I will give you four causes that I believe are at the core of this behavior. But, before I do, consider – are certain mindsets, positions, professions, age groups or different cultural backgrounds a contributor?

I’m not suggesting everyone or anyone in these groups falls into one of the four categories listed below, but  I have come to believe that the following tend to be indicators of how someone will tend to approach life, relationships or careers from a position of – “control obsession” (just made that up).

Low self-esteem – Self-esteem is simply how you define yourself.  With low self-esteem we will tend to always belittle ourselves in some way especially in the presence of others.  Out conversation will tend to be self-demeaning and apologetic.  I’m sorry is one of our favorite phrases when we have a low self-esteem issue.  The opposite is just as bad as when your self-esteem is too high you will tend to approach life and others with conceited, haughty, arrogant, snooty or puffed up attitudes.  Either one – low or high self-esteem has its drawbacks and causes us to, in some way alienate others.

A lack of a patient mindset – A major cause of stress is impatience or the need for things to happen on our schedule and according to our agenda.  When they don’t well, you’ve seen how these people can behave whether in traffic, a meeting or a restaurant.  Patience is the ability to flow and accept life.  It doesn't mean you have a victim mentality, but that you understand that stuff happens, that you often can’t control.  The key is to learn to deal with what you can control and let go of the stuff you can’t

The need for validation – Many people suffer from a need for appreciation, acceptance or validation.  In order to receive these they will often make themselves the center of attention in some way.  Whether it’s the way they dress, talk, brag or just inject themselves into conversations or situations – their goal is to be noticed and sometimes appreciated regardless of their status, position, background or any other life or career circumstance.

Over the top ego – We all have an ego or the need to feel important, successful, smart or any other trait that sends the message to the world that we are better than others in some way.  This is normal behavior.  The problem arises when this need becomes the single or major focal point of our life and we can’t admit failure, mistakes, bad decisions or any other action that might make us look unimportant, unsuccessful or just not up to other’s standards or expectations.  When ego becomes the major life driver we will tend to create distance between ourselves and others and send the message that we are just better or smarter than the rest of the world.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing; it was here first.”

Mark Twain

Pain

When it happens, you won’t want to believe it. You’ll take their word for it when they say they’re busy, swamped at work, “just doing me.” You’ll make excuses for them, put your finger on extra loud in case they call. But you’ll still feel the change, and because you can’t rationalize it, you’ll try to ignore it.

It’s a specific kind of loneliness that hits you like a wave of nausea. When the two of you are having a beer and you realize that you have both been staring out the same window for twenty minutes, nothing to say, the opposite of a comfortable silence. When they cancel plans consistently and stall when giving you reasons. When you scroll through your contacts and stop at their name and almost call but don’t, feeling suddenly, inexplicably, abandoned and confused.

Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of a friendship. No falling out, no major disagreement. Sometimes it just falls apart for no good reason. Distance...  New relationships… Priorities... Somehow these things can become more important than your connection; they shouldn’t but they do. And as we get older we tend to downsize, prioritize. Trim the corners of our lives, keeping what’s important and discarding what isn’t. Sometimes we stop needing people in our lives and it isn’t even conscious. No one wakes up in the morning actively thinking “Hmm, I think I’ll stop being friends with so-and-so today.” It just goes out with an empty fizz, like a cigarette hitting the bottom of a Coke can.

In so many ways, losing a friend is worse than losing a lover. Lovers are transient for the most part but friends are supposed to be there for you always, or so we like to believe. Friendship is a special kind of love that’s not supposed to fade. You never expect the one person you thought you could always depend on to disappear without saying goodbye. And when they do you feel sickeningly stupid and cheated, wondering what you meant to them all along, whether you were just convenient or in the right place at the right time. You never really know for sure.

…

In life, it’s a given that you will lose people. People will flow in and out like curtains through an open window, sometimes for no reason at all. But losing someone important to you will feel like a sucker punch every single time, and you’ll never see it coming. Which makes the friendships that do hold out, the ones that make it through countless breakdowns and breakthroughs and changes and years, so damn important.

Strangers X Best Friends

Do you have that one person you were once so close to -and for so long -that you are now basically nothing more than strangers with? Maybe you don’t know exactly what happened, as if things drifted slowly and although there is no “bad blood” things just don’t seem to work anymore. Strangers can become best friends just as easily as best friends can become strangers, it’s odd. But why does it happen?

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I know I have experienced this a number of times in my life and maybe you have too. We have friends that we just can never picture ourselves not having close to us. We love them, they bond and connect so well with us, they are there for you and you are there for them. Then one day, as if out of nowhere, you realize they simply aren’t a big part of your life anymore.

You don’t know whether to feel bad or feel like it’s somehow your fault. Maybe you didn’t reach out enough or maybe you did something wrong. But the truth is, if you can’t put a clear cut answer to why, it’s probably simply because paths changed and you simply didn’t connect in the same way. It’s not to say you can’t again or that you are suddenly not friends, but more so that it’s simply not a serving aspect of both of your journey’s to be that close anymore.

I believe that to be entirely okay. There is nothing wrong with having amazing people in your life one day and simply going separate directions not long after. We have to respect each other, our journey’s and where we are going. We cannot judge one another for our choices or because we feel inspired by something else. So often we can talk poorly about those who have drifted as if they didn’t “value” the friendship, but is it really about value? Is it about making something work simply because it was once there? Or is it possible that we can play roles in each others lives for periods of time and move on?

We are beings of change and we can go through changes very quickly. Who we are one day can adjust very quickly and sometimes that means we take different paths in life. This can lead you to new people and ultimately new “best friends.” What I’m trying to say is, if you ever feel guilty or bad about how things may have drifted from close friends of your past, don’t. It’s normal, it happens, it’s okay and if you like, you can communicate with those people about it.

Imagine you and your best friend (or friends from your past) like radio stations. Sometimes, you are all tuned into the same thing and vibing the same way, then, people change and the frequencies of each person change. Suddenly you’re dialed into different stations and they just don’t mesh in the same way. Instead, you now mesh with another person or group of people who are dialed into your station.

This doesn’t mean we can’t remain friends simply because we change, it simply means it happens, and when it does, it’s okay! I have many friends who I don’t see as often but can still call up and connect with very easily. I will always be grateful for those friendships no matter what, but does it mean we will always be super tight? No, and that’s cool.

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Sometimes things can drift because something happens between us. It can be big or it can be small. These are the types of “splits” where we ask ourselves: “are we simply not friends because we are unable to move past a disagreement?” Many times we can still very much be dialed into that same station with another person, yet someone peeved the other one off and no one wants to give in. This is where we can really just take advantage of a great opportunity to learn a lot about facing ourselves and communication.

This type of situation is one that is just so tough to see. We spend so much time holding grudges and holding onto toxic feelings and judgments because we can’t just make peace with what may have happened. Deep down, we all seem to want to have these people back in our lives but at some point, we simply don’t know how to make it happen anymore. Either we are too scared to be the one to call them first or we just don’t even know what to say.

If we let it go long enough, we can completely “get over” what happened, but still have no clue how to rekindle that friendship because we don’t know how it will look. Funny thing is, I’ve seen so many examples of accidental meetings in these cases where the two friends hit it off like no tomorrow. Imagine if one were to have just called the other years ago?

……….