There is a Time for Departure Even When There's No Certain Place to Go

This pocket watch is no longer working, so it is permanently frozen at a quarter to eight - one can't help wondering what happened at that time, to make the hands freeze.

There are times where things end even when we are unprepared to let it go. Although there hasn't been enough time to create a plausible part of the future to go next, it is impossible to linger - because it is time to leave and move on, out of the way for the next group of people to come in. That is the thing about schools; they only get good when it gets to the last year, or perhaps the last term, and suddenly it doesn't seem like the horrendous hole which you've been trying to get out of for a long time - it seems like a haven, a built in routine where you know exactly where each and every room is, and who the people are. But then of course when familiarity sinks in, so does time; and it is time to depart, on to the next school which will follow the same cycle of adaptation.

"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart."

I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.

......

 

You know that feeling of finding out something you weren't supposed to know, or that you thought would never happen, and it's like this sudden huge wave of crushing betrayal comes pouring over you. And then you're just sitting there wondering, just wondering, why things turned out like this. Because they would have never happened in the past. And you wonder what you did wrong. You must have done something. But of course there's no answer, and you're left with nothing but a desolate feeling of emptiness and a loss of faith in all that you ever thought you believed in. You feel destroyed. Like someone casually stretched out their hand and crushed you with a single motion. Like nothing is worth anything. Like maybe you should have seen this from the beginning. And that feeling of not being good enough for anything or anyone resurfaces. So in the end you stop struggling and believe it because, after all, what else is there to do when you're drowning in a sea of numbness.