Black Gold

“If Music is a Place -- then Jazz is the City, Folk is the Wilderness, Rock is the Road, Classical is a Temple.”
 ...

 Sometimes when I listen to jazz, it makes me nostalgic. Either for a period of time in my own life, or a period of time I wasn't alive for. Like, sometimes I listen to older jazz albums, and I sometimes wish I was walking around the streets of NYC, at dusk, in the 1950s.

But, jazz almost never makes me sad, if anything, it inspires me, or at least makes me feel better (like the blues), or makes me happy. Even the most painful solo from a sax player ("who hurt this man?") will overwhelm me with good vibes. This music is sometimes best on a rainy day.

Then there's fusion. 70s Miles is like taking a trip through the recesses of your mind, or other worlds. Sometimes, it's the dark depths of the jungle. 80s and 90s fusion sometimes makes me think of walking around a college campus, in the halls of a basement or something like that. Some of that late 90s/2000s fusion reminds me of walks I sometimes take at night.

..........

"Get scared. It will do you good. Smoke a bit, stare blankly at some ceilings, beat your head against some walls, refuse to see some people, paint and write. Get scared some more. Allow your little mind to do nothing but function. Stay inside, go out - I don’t care what you’ll do; but stay scared as hell. You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself."

— Albert Camus, Notebooks 1951-1959

 

Her Gün Seninle

Ümit Yaşar Oğuzcan

Güzel olan
Her günü seninle tekrar tekrar yaşamak
Erimek yarını olmayan zamanlarda
Durdurmak bir yerde bütün saatleri
Bütün kuralları kırıp parçalamak
Sonra varmak o yerlere
Mevsimlere dur demek
Kar yağarken çiçek açtırmak ağaçlara
Güneşi bir akşam saatinde tutup bırakmamak
Sonra doldurmak ay ışığını kadehlere
Delicesine içmek
Ve unutabilmek her şeyi ansızın
Sevmek seni en yücesiyle sevgilerin
Birlikte geçmiş, gelecek bütün çağları aşmak
Güzel olan
Sevmek seni Tanrılar gibi
Seninle Tanrılaşmak...
 
Bir gün bu akan sele dur diyeceğim, göreceksin
Ne bu şehir kalacak 
Ne bu duygusuz sürü
Bu korkunç kalabalık
Her vapur seni getirecek bana
Bütün istasyonlarda seni bekleyeceğim
Kapılar sana açılacak
Senin için söylenecek şarkılar
Şiirler senin için yazılacak
Her evde bir resmin
Her meydanda bir heykelin olacak
Ve sen kimi gün bir rüzgar gibi
Kimi gün denizler gibi, bulutlar gibi 
Kopup ötelerden, ötelerden
Yalnız bana geleceksin
Bir gün bu akan sele dur diyeceğim göreceksin.
 
Ben eskimeyen tek güzelliği sende gördüm
Sende buldum erişilmez hazları
Yanında sıyrıldım korkulardan, yalanlardan
Duyguların en ölmezini sende duydum
Susuzluğum dudaklarında dindi
Yalnızlığım ellerinde
Çoğu gün unuttum açlığımı
Sende doydum...
 
İlk defa seninle bütünlendim, anlıyor musun
Anladım yaşadığımı her nefes alışta
Seninle geçtim bütün zamanlardan
Seninle var oldum
Eridim seninle bir sonsuz çalkanışta.
 
Boynunda bir yer vardır, ben bilirim
Ne zaman oradan öpsem, 
Değişir gözlerinin rengi
Yanar dudakların, terler avuçların
Dökülür kapkara aydınlık gibi
Omuzlarına saçların
Gitgide artar kalbinin vuruşları
Bir musiki halinde dünyamı doldurur
Ansızın bütün sesler kesilir
Zaman durur
Bir baş dönmesi başlar o en yükseklerde
Her gün seninle yeniden var oluruz
Eriyip kaybolduğumuz yerde...
 
Sesini duymadığım gün
Yaşanmış değil
Açan çiçek değil
Öten kuş değil
Yüzünü görmediğim gün
İçimde yıldızlar sönük
Güneşler güneş değil
Seni sevmediğim gün
Seni anmadığım gün
Olacak iş değil...
 
Her günüm seninle geçsin
O güneşe en yakın
Kimsenin varamayacağı bir dağ başında
Uçsuz bucaksız uzak denizlerde
İnsan ayağı değmemiş ormanlarda
Uzaklarda, en uzaklarda
O gemilerin uğramadığı limanlarda
Işığım ol, alınyazım ol benim
Vatanım ol, evim ol
Yeter ki bir ömür boyu benim ol
Her günüm seninle geçsin...

The City

by Constantine Cavafy 

translated by Rae Dalven

You said,
"I will go to another land, I will go to another sea.
Another city will be found, a better one than this.
Every effort of mine is a condemnation of fate;
and my heart is — like a corpse — buried.
How long will my mind remain in this wasteland.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I may look
I see black ruins of my life here,
where I spent so many years
destroying and wasting."

You will find no new lands, you will find no other seas.
The city will follow you.
You will roam the same streets.
And you will age in the same neighbourhoods;
and you will grow gray in these same houses.
Always you will arrive in this city.
Do not hope for any other —
There is no ship for you, there is no road.
As you have destroyed your life here
in this little corner,
you have ruined it in the entire world.

Never Settle for less than you deserve. Demand the best,accept nothing less

To all the wonderful women out there: be proud of who you are, be proud of your achievements, the successes you've reached, the struggles you've conquered, be proud on how far you've come in life despite all the nay-sayers, honor the talents in you, the kindness that you show to all who come to you, your love and compassion that makes the world a better place.

You make a difference, you are valuable, you are special, you are one-of-a-kind, there never was nor ever will be another one of you. You got your knowledge and wisdom through hard work and study, so never downgrade your intellect for any reason, or belittle yourself in order to put someone else on a pedestal. You deserve the best, you deserved to be honored, to be cherished, to be respected for all that you are, and all that you represent with yourself, and your life, so surround yourself only with those who see all that in you, and let go of anyone who sees only what they want to see.

Never allow yourself be an option in someone else's life, to be an option, a weekend plan, or a second choice, because being a priority is the only place that belongs to you, and you alone. Acknowledge and always remember your true worth, and NEVER let ANYONE treat you any less than that.

Because you are a woman you have an inherent dignity, you are valuable, you're worthy of fidelity, you are deserving of true love and respect, and the honor of being the only one in another's life, never forget that, and never settle for any less than that. ..

Don’t Settle For What Doesn’t Make You Happy

Why do we do it? We meet someone, we are semi-interested, we exchange info. We go out a couple times. We’re still very “meh” about the whole thing. Yeah, he’s alright, we think. And he does everything right. He calls and texts (but not too much), he does sweet things to let you know he’s into you, he makes and keeps future dates, he opens up. So you let down your guard, you open up, too. And you admit to yourself that you like him. Maybe this time is different?

And then it happens. His calls and texts get shorter and more sporadic. You feel like you’re the one always initiating. And thus begins The Doubt Game. You question everything. Is he not texting as much because he’s more comfortable with me and doesn’t feel the need to, or has he lost interest? Should I call him, or should I wait for him to call me? I’ll wait. That will show me that he’s into me. But it’s been a two days. Maybe he’s doing the same thing, waiting for me to call him. Should I call? Oh god. I’ve gone insane.

You date. It’s been a few months. But it’s not the same. He’s more comfortable with you, yes, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. He’s cancelled or postponed plans a few times because of A, B, C reason. They are all legitimate and understandable reasons. Work. A friend needs him to do something.

He’s just not feeling good. You understand. You accommodate. Because you are understanding and accommodating. You really don’t mind. Isn’t that what a good girlfriend does? Be supportive? Laid back?
No pressure here! Whatever, it’s cool!

But how much is too much? That’s the question.

Relationships are hard, people say. Yes, every individual is different, with different needs and timetables. But I say fuck that. Relationships shouldn’t be that hard.

If a guy likes you, he will go out of his way to show you. If a guy wants to keep you, he will go out of his way to keep you. If other things are a priority in his life other than you, then he won’t. And you will want to accommodate his schedule, his moods, his whims to stay in his life. You’ll call this “being understanding.” You’ll think it’s timing, that soon enough he’ll “grow” or “wake up” or finally realize how wonderful you are, that you’re the one who has always been there through thick and thin. Newsflash, ladies. He most probably won’t. This isn’t Julia Roberts’ latest rom-com. It’s real life. And if he has gotten used to your accommodating him, he also unfortunately has lost some respect for you. Who wants a spineless woman who bends to your every need?

I know someone who is soon marrying his girlfriend of eight years. He admits that he loves her, but isn’t in love with her. He says that they are very different, that they don’t have much to talk about as friends. But time has built commitment, families know each other, and they are used to life with each other now. I said that sounds very sad to me. He said, “It’s not so bad. I pretty much do what I want.” He goes out with friends, drinks , hasn’t really changed anything for her and she has just learned to deal with it. Well I guess that’s good, I tried. “It is and it isn’t,” he said. “Because on one hand, yeah, I do what I want, but on another…” He paused for a long time before he started again, “I never learned to love anyone more than myself.”

That stuck with me. I always thought that self-absorbed guys with overly-accommodating girlfriends are sort of oblivious to their actions. But this guy wasn’t. He knew. He slowly lost respect for his girlfriend over the years. She never put her foot down and said, “DUDE. WTF!" If you want me in your life you can’t do that. PERIOD.” So thus the tone was set and forever followed. They never fit. They just learned how to exist. And now they are getting married! Hooray! And they will probably have children. They may live a long and relatively happy life together. They’ve learned how to be with each other in their own way. But I doubt as teenagers they dreamed of this. They are not friends. And that is not something that I want for my life. And I doubt it is the type of relationship that you want for yours.

I realized this a while ago. I had a habit of reading people very well and sort of becoming what I thought they wanted me to be. Which was myself, in a way, but not completely. It was a dating game, a strategy. I think to a certain extent, everyone does this. Both men and women. Put your best foot forward. And then after you’ve gotten more serious, more comfortable, you relax a bit. I had a boyfriend actually say to me after about three months of dating, “Well we don’t need to really go out anymore since we’re boyfriend-girlfriend now.” What? No more going out on dates? Um. No. That’s not how I want to spend my life. I like doing stuff, duh, be it with a boyfriend or friends. Why would I want to stop just because we’re serious? That’s when the fun stuff should really start.

So, I tried something new. Something so simple that it was revolutionary. Be yourself. Yes, everyone says this, but I don’t think we ever really get it. Be who you are. State exactly what you want. If a guy does something uncool, tell him, Hey, that was uncool. I don’t like that. If he gets mad and turns it around on you, then ick. That’s not someone you want to be with! If he says, “I hear you on that; won’t happen again,” then wow, he respects you and cares enough to try to keep you in his life.

It’s so simple and obvious, but I think it’s so hard because we really, really want it to work. We want to will it so. So we make excuses for them (See: “Oh, he is just really tired and has been really stressed lately,” “Well he usually isn’t like this, it’s just he’s going through something hard right now,” etc.) and hold on to every shred of good that they give us. If they do ten things wrong but one thing right we grab on to that one thing. Actions speak louder than words, but we choose to believe the words even when they don’t match the actions. We lie to ourselves, to our friends. We want it so bad, we think if we’re just good enough, understanding enough, sexy enough, giving enough, they’ll want us.

Fuck....that.... noise.

Enough. We’ve all tried it. We all know people who have tried it. Multiple times. How many times has it worked? Think about it. How many people do you know who have waited and waited, accommodated, curved their bodies to fit their bow, and Tah-Dah! They ended up living happily ever after? I don’t mean ended up together, ended up married, because like the guy I described above, they don’t fit my definition of happy. So how many?

It just doesn’t work

My Routine Exercise

• First, you should do cardiovascular exercise such as walking and bicycling. Those exercises will strengthen your heart so it is suitable for you who just start to lose weight. At the first walking, you only need to do it for 10 minutes than add 5 minutes every week until it reaches 30 till 60 minutes.
• The second effective exercise is squat. Beside cardiovascular exercise, strength exercise is also important because it can burn your fats faster. By squatting, you can train many muscles at once. You should do it with proper technique in order to be functional. Place your leg shoulder length apart and keep your knees over ankle.
• Third and last is lunges. This exercise work on major lower body muscle and increase your balance. When you do lunges, you can just not to move forward but back and side as well.

The key to make your exercise effective is doing it regularly and choose the exercise that you like so you can keep consistent to improve your exercise step by step.