“Why did I write ?”

What I think most people might not realize is that quite often, I was writing to myself. If I was feeling heart broken, or depressed, I’d say the things I wish people would say to me. I think really good art is a map away from an emotion or a map to an emotion and that creating art, allows that emotion to leave the body of the artist, and so this was an incredibly healthy therapy  for quite a while. I got a lot of stuff out of my system.

 

Once

...

Part of me
Has Died
And won't return
And part of me
Wants to hide
The part that's burned

Once, once
Knew how to talk to you
Once, once
But not anymore


...


Once, once
I knew how to look for you
Once, once
But that was before
Once, once
I would have laid down and died for you
Once, once
But not anymore.

..

A Peek Inside the Ed-Tech Startup World

Jeremy Geddes

 Jeremy Geddes is an Australian artist nowadays I am paying attention on. He is extremely brilliant and he portray extremes of emotion in his work.

 "His paintings are highly detailed and often take months to complete. He starts with a preliminary painting where composition, color and tone are resolved. Then the painting is drawn up and mapped out using washes of color before painting begins. Once the main painting is completed he applies glazes and altering tones, adding depth to color and texture."

 
 The Street

most well known for his paintings of cosmonauts floating in empty landscapes







Heat Death







A Perfect Vacuum

The Writing Dilemma

  Writing is not easy. One of the difficulties that i came across is to declare a project "finished". It sounds easy, but I found it very difficult to do since I love to edit. I think, I readm I cut, I add, I reorganize, I add more facts, more examples. I think of better choices of verbs. I put a word in, I take it out, I put it back, I take it out. Sounds crazy but this is how I write. But of course, at certain point, I am trying to break this circle(it is not easy of course) because I know I have to be finished. I guess people like me cannot resist to learn more.

Existential depression

I copy-pasted these ideas awhile ago. Unfortunately, I do not know the source :-(

Some good points in the article:

"

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or "ultimate concerns")--death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have? 

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well. 

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make? 

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no "ultimately right" choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations. 

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at "fate" or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression. 

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of "unfairness." Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one's life. It is at this point that they question life's meaning and ask, "Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?" 

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation. 

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982). 

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or "failure to thrive" syndrome. Often, I have "prescribed" daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, "I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug." A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a "high five" can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection. 

The issues and choices involved in managing one's freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives. 

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in "causes" (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to "belong." Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration. 

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes: 

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

Langston Hughes

OSHO, Olgunluk

insan ihtiyaç duymaktansa sevmeye başladığı anda olgunlaşır.onun içinden birşey taşmaya başlar,paylaşmaya başlar;vermeye başlar.önemli olan nasıl verileceği,nasıl daha çok verileceği ve nasıl koşulsuz verileceğidir.bu,büyümenin olgunluğun sana gelmesidir.olgun bir kimse verir.yalnızca olgun bir kişi verebilir çünkü sadece olgun bir kişi ona sahiptir.o zaman sevgi bağımlı değildir.o zaman diğeri olsa da olmasa da seviyor olabilirsin.o zaman sevgi bir ilişki değildir,o bir durumdur.o bir bolluktur.yaşamla öylesine dolup taşarsın ki onunla ne yapacağını bilemezsin, o yüzden paylaşırsın.yüreğinde o kadar çok şey vardır ki onları söylemek zorunda kalırsın;birisinin dinlemesinin konuyla ilişkisi yoktur.

---

sevgi sadece sen olgunsan gerçek olur.sadece bir yetişkin olduğunda sevmeye muktedir olursun.sevginin bir ihtiyaç değil,bir dolup taşma olduğunu anladığında o zaman,hiçbir koşul yokken onu verebilirsin.
sende sevgi olmadığında diğerinden onu sana vermesini istersin;sen bir dilencisin.ve,diğeri de sana onu vermen için talepte bulunuyor.şimdi,iki dilenci avuçlarını biririne açıyor ve ikisi de diğerinin ona sahip olduğunu umut ediyor...doğal olarak her ikisi de sonuçta yenilgiye uğramış hissediyor,kandırılmış hissediyor.

olgunlaşmamış insanlar aşka düştüklerinde birbirlerinin özgürlüklerini yok ederler,bir tutsaklık yaratır,bir hapishane yaparlar.unutma,özgürlük sevgiden daha yüksek bir değerdir.o halde,şayet sevgi özgürlüğü yok ediyorsa buna değmez.sevgiden vazgeçilebilir,özgürlük kurtarılmalıdır;özgürlük daha yüksek bir değerdir.ve özgürlük olmadan hiçbir zaman mutlu olamazsın,bu imkansızdır.özgürlük her erkeğin,her kadının özünde taşıdığı arzudur;mutlak özgürlük,kesin özgürlük.o yüzdendir ki kişi,özgürlüğü yok eden herhangi bir şeyden nefret etmeye başlar.

---

iki olgun insan birbirlerini sevdiğinde hayatın en muhteşem paradokslarından birisi,en güzel olaylarından birisi gerçekleşir:onlar birliktedir ve bununla birlikte son derece tek başınadırlar.onlar o kadar çok beraberdirler ki neredeyse bir olmuşlardır ama onların birliği bireyliklerini yok etmez;aslında onu zenginleştirir,onları daha çok birey yapar.birbirini seven olgun insanlar birbirlerine özgürleşmeleri için yardım eder;birbirlerine her türden tutsaklığı yok etmeleri için destek olurlar.ve,sevgi özgürce aktığında güzellik vardır.

sadece diğerinin mevcudiyetinin içindeyken ansızın kendini mutlu hissedersen,sadece birlikte olduğunuz için zevkten sarhoş olursan,sadece diğerinin mevcudiyeti yüreğinin derinliklerinde bazı şeyleri tatmin ederse,yüreğinde birşey şarkı söylemeye başlarsa..diğerinin sadece mevcudiyeti beraber olmanıza yardım eder;daha çok birey olursun;merkezinde,ayakları yere basan.o zaman o sevgidir.

sevgi birisinin bir şekilde seni tamamladığının derinden anlaşılmasıdır.birisi seni tam bir döngü yapar.diğerinin mevcudiyeti seni çoğaltır.sevgi kendin olma özgürlüğü tanır sana;o sahip olma değildir.

o yüzden izle;farkında ol ve birisiyle sadece mevcudiyetinin;başka birşey değil,saf mevcudiyetinin yeterli olduğunu hissetmeye başladığında,başka hiçbirşey istemediğinde,yalnızca varlığı,sadece olması seni mutlu etmek için yeterli olduğunda...içinde birşeyler çiçek açmaya başlar,bin bir tane lotus çiçeklenir,o zaman aşık oldun.ve o zaman gerçekliğin yarattığı tüm zorlukları aşabilirsin.

There are times when you feel alone

There are times when you feel alone,
when in each eye,for you there is a scorn,
when the people impose on you,their norms,
and their words seem like sharp cutting swords,
when the person you feel close to you is away,
and for you there is nothing to do but to sway,
when the people don't understand your pain,
and everyone around you call you insane,
when you have aims and you want to go ahead,
but people want you to do what they have said,
when every one seems strange due to their indifferent tone,
and you feel as if the sun for you has never shone,

in the dark and silent night when you feel cold and numb,
and you are alone with your thoughts that haunts,
when you haven't slept for nights,
and now even in pain and aches,
you cannot resist to sleep any more,
when your eyes just about to close,
but every time you are shaken up by the thunderstorm,
when you feel like someone is knocking on the door,
your heart starts beating fast between success and failure,
when you feel that your aims are just a door away,
but on opening the door,you don't find anyone in the corridor,
when in hurry you pick up the phone to call,
to someone that you feel close to you,
but you find that its not working any more,
when you hear a car horn,
and you rush to the window to see,
but you find nothing in the empty street,
when you get that these are just your delusions,
that are haunting you like a night mare,
when you feel your feelings torn apart,
and you find no one to pat you for a new start,
then with all your pain and you teary swollen eyes,
when you again lay in bed with all your doomed hopes,
and you have nothing but to say,
that there are times when you feel alone.

Barry White

 

http://thephoenix.com/Boston/news/104735-loving-barry-what-exactly-makes-barry-white-so-/

Barry White, you know his sexy voice from many of his songs when you hear it on the oldies radio station or hear it in films and on TV. For those of you who have no idea who Barry White is, pull up your chair and read on. He is a recording artist like no other before him and certainly no other since. When you hear his very distinct voice for the first time you'll never, ever forget it. By the way, his music is great too. He is more known for his deep voice than his other musical accomplishments.

...

I remembered when I first heard Barry White's bass voice I thought he would look like an athletic god with a great body. Let's just say I was very surprised by his unique stature, but I quickly forgot about it and fell in love with his recordings.

About Grief .... From oldies

Through my grieving process, I have discovered that there aren’t a lot of books written nor are there as many support groups out there to help people who are struggling with the loss of a sibling. I have actually found more support for people who are grieving the loss of a pet, than I have for people who have lost a brother or a sister. This isn’t to say that there aren’t some good materials out there, but there is not nearly enough in my opinion.

Why is that? I often ask myself this question. Is the relationship between siblings taken for granted? Does society feel that the majority of parents live for their children, so naturally they would be devastated, but most siblings move on in time and start families of their own? What about the siblings that haven’t done that yet? What about the ones whose main family life still centered around the brother or sister that is now gone? Why isn’t there more help out there for them?

The number one question I get asked above all others is, how are your parent’s doing? I don’t resent this question, as I am fully aware that losing a child is horrific, but what I don’t understand is why losing a brother or a sister doesn’t rank equally as high on that scale? As silly as it is, sometimes I actually think I have it worse than my parents. I justify in my head that if things follow Mother Nature’s original design, then they have a lot less time to wait to be reunited with him. My brother is someone that I have never known to not be a part of my life, since the day I was born. My parents on the other hand already lived a couple of decades without him. I, however, am forced to come to terms with the fact that although I had 26 years with him, I may very easily be facing living twice that long without him. It is very hard for a 26 year old to comprehend the concept of time. To me, that feels like forever. Another observation I have is that people often tell me that I need to be strong for my parents. Again, I don’t disagree with this. I know they are suffering tremendously right now, but the statement makes me wonder if people don’t really get how much I am suffering too. The change happened so quickly that I didn’t recognize the point in all of this when our roles switched places. My parents had always taken care of me, but for all intensive purposes, it appeared to me that it was now my job to take care of them. I gladly assume this responsibility. However, I wish people knew the internal struggle a sibling feels when losing one of their own. For me, he wasn’t just my brother, he was my friend. He was arguably my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else ever did or possibly ever could. To add fuel to the fire, the agony you feel over losing such a constant in your life is only compounded when you realize the only other constant you have ever known is gone as well. For many of us, throughout every major disappointment, tragedy and heartache, it is typically our parents that we turn to. Only this time, in our greatest hour of need, they can’t help us. They are so emotionally crushed, that they can barely help themselves.

I am not writing this to be selfish or to underestimate the grief that parent’s go through when having to deal with a tragedy this severe. I am only writing this to bring light to a hurt that is perhaps not acknowledged quite as often as it should be. I know there is nothing in the world that anyone can say or do to take our pain away, but sometimes it is nice to feel like people at least understand. Therefore, if there is ever a time in your life that you come in contact with a person like me, although it is very appropriate to ask about the parents, take a moment to ask how they are doing as well.