Being A Woman

Special thanks for Kathy!

Women are always told to try harder, to be more than they are, or to improve upon some aspect of their lives. Though it’s always good to work at improvement, sometimes you need to accept and love who you are.

Women struggle with their identity, sometimes throughout their whole lives. It’s hard to know and accept who we are and what we wish to be. Though we may find success in one area we can’t find acceptance if we don’t achieve 100% satisfaction in all aspects of our lives. This is a constant struggle that so many of us face and at the end of the day it’s about being happy with who you are and finding love with the individual that you have become.

Love Who You Are, Whoever That May Be

You may not be perfect by somebody's standards, but why aren’t you following your own? We make the mistake of listening to what somebody else envisions as “perfection” rather than setting our own vision. Women are often their worst critics because we focus too much on what we should be or what we wish we were. Instead of focusing so much attention on that, perhaps we should practice acceptance and love the women that we are.

You may not be thinner, smarter, prettier, or more successful than your friend. You may not be able to run a marathon or sew a button, but is that really your measure of success? We as women could be so much happier if we would just love ourselves and the accomplishments that we have. Rather than focusing on what we are not perhaps it’s more beneficial to focus on what we are.

Many Elements Define Our Identity

We are defined by so many different elements of our identity. We are women first and foremost, but we have special talents and contributions within each of us. We have something that nobody else has. We have a great personality, a successful career, a beautiful family—there is something that we can be happy with and can cause us to love ourselves. This can be a hard lesson for many women because we are taught to work harder or to measure ourselves by what we aren’t rather than by what we are.

Change this trend and learn acceptance. Accept who you are, right and wrong, for the perfections and the imperfections. You are the only version of you and if as women we can learn to love all that this stands for, then we are truly successful in our lives. Though we may have always measured ourselves by the things we wish we were better at, being happy means embracing the identity that you have created for yourself. Be one of those women who truly loves yourself and show it off to the world. This is something remarkable in and of itself and it will impress people with the confidence and self love that it exudes. Be one of the women who shows that she loves who she is and what she stands for, and perhaps others will take cues from you!

Impulse Shop

We all impulse shop.  It’s what great marketing does!  It draws our attention to problems we didn’t know we had and to  wanting something we think will make our lives better!  It’s amazing to me that in this economic climate we constantly talk about saving money yet, did you know that impulse spending is higher than ever?   We spend hundreds (even thousands) of dollars every year on items that we see and impulsively buy while we are out shopping.  $30 a week compounds to over $1500 a year in excess spending!  (I know there are a few of you rolling your eyes thinking you actually went over that $30 dollar amount last week….)

Here are some facts on impulse buying:

• 88% of impulse purchases are made because the item was on SALE.  Try to keep in mind, although it’s on sale, it still costs money!
• Impulse buyers tend to make purchases because it improves their mood – not because the item is useful or necessary.   Emotional spending is like emotional eating…but that’s another story!
• Shoppers make an average of 3 unplanned purchases during 40% of all store visits.  Yikes!  (Those guilty eyes rolling again?  Well…you're not alone…)
• 25% of unplanned purchases are clothing items. 14% are food items.   Those sweets near the check-outs don’t JUST tempt the little ones!
• When people shop with the purpose of buying immediate needs for forgotten items, the rate of compulsive buying drops 53%.  This means we need to get a good old fashioned shopping list… and stick to it (like man do:-). Get in. Get out.
• Shoppers who drive to the store, rather than walking, are 44% more likely to make an impulse purchase.  (Especially those who impulsively buy from the white goods section!… ha ha.. OK, this is no joking matter…)
• When the shopping trip is unplanned, impulse purchases go up 23%.  (Depending of course how many children you have with you and if you are in your favourite shoe shop!)
• Shop with your partner.  Men are not as likely to justify every purchase you make with a smile, nudge and a giggle like a kindred-spirited girlfriend or sister!

Some tips to avoid impulse purchases

It takes some discipline, effort and willpower, but you can curb those impulsive spending habits!

• Plan your trip. Then make a list and stick to it. For those of us on a budget, impromptu shopping trips and shopping without a list can be a treacherous situation!  When we shop without direction or even just emotionally, we find that our low self-esteem can get us into a lot of trouble.
• Go on foot when possible. If you have to carry your purchase any distance, you’ll think twice about whether you really need that extra piece of clothing, heavy cutlery set or grand piano!
• Don’t shop hungry…eat before you go otherwise I, oh, I mean you, could head straight to the food court! . You know this one! When you shop hungry, you’re more likely to buy items you don’t need simply to satisfy immediate cravings rather than the actual needs of your own home requirements.
• Think on it. If you really want that item badly enough, you’ll still want it just as badly two days from now. Most stores will let you put an item on hold for up to a day, allowing you to decide whether or not you really want it.  It works as well for children who throw tantrums for things and you feel so stressed and tired, it’s so tempting to scream “Fine!” at them and put it in the trolley.  I tell my little ones that we need to go and get some money so let the lady “hold onto it for a while and we will come back later”  The salesperson behind the desk usually ‘reads’ your wink and pops it behind the counter.  I can guarantee you that 9 times out of 10, your little one will not remember to come back once you have walked away!! Practice the art of distraction.

Source: Delia Passi and “The Impulse Shopping Fact Sheet.” Infographics.com, 2010

Rahmetlimden akilda kalanlardan

Ruhum hicranla dolu, yine özdeyim bugün
Gün doğmuyor ufukta, karanlıktayım bugün
Sahtekar dünya değil, yaşayan kullar bence…
İkiyüzlü insanlar, her tarafta binlerce.




Dilde, ahkam kesmede ne hünerli bilseniz
Kaç mazlumu ağlattı… Gözyaşını silseniz.
Ayıp eder her zaman, utanmıyor ki densiz..
Aslında bu şiirde onu anlatmam yersiz…

Her insanın yanında, vardır böyle tilkiler
Uyanıktır her daim… şeytanlar bile ürker.
Dış yüzleri pek parlak, cilalıdır cilalı
Kalp gözüyle bakınca, görünür katranı

Ey ALLAH’ım büyüksün, senden korkmayan nice…
Bir hesap günün vardır, bilirim ki pek yüce
Yüzü başka, özü başka ikiyüzlü bu kullar…
Hesap günü gelince, olur mazlum kuzular.

Bilmezler ki eskisi, değil hesap ters döndü…
Parlayan ışıkları bu mizanda hep söndü.
Mazlumların ahları, çıkacak bir bir elbet…
Sabret güzel kardeşim, sabret de o gün seyret…

Meryem Zemerot

Zaman X Insan

Zaman mi insanı bozar, insan mi zamanla bozulur? Zaman mucerret bir mevhum. Uzerine yemin edilmis bir mevhum. Zaman, bir surectir aslinda;varligin baslandigicindan bitisine dek suren bir olusumu ifade eder gibi sanki….

An be an ilerleyen ve ilerledikce kisalan, azalan bir surec. Milyonlarca bilgi kirintisini ortaya koysada insanin anlayacagi pekte birsey yoktur.O zaman diyebilirizki kafa yormaya da gerek yoktur. 

Belki insanoglunun yolcugunu dusunecek olsak, insan zamanla bozulmustur diyebiliriz ama insani asil bozan zaman degildir. Zaman insan ogluna uymaz ki, insan zamana uymak zorundadir. Zaman sadece o anki hakikate uyar.

Zamana uymak…

Zamana uymak; zamanin getirdiklerine uymak degildir, zamani sadece guzel sekilde kullanmaktan ibarettir, zamanın kendine hizmet etmesini saglamaktır. Ama insan bazen sadece zamana uyar fakat zamani kullanamaz, zamanın kıymetini idrak edemez.Ve  nihayet kaybeder. Cunku biten zaman tekrar geri getiremez.Ne kadar geri getirmek istesede! Iste zamanin kıymetini bilmek bu yuzden onemlidir. Zaman, gençlik gibi, omur gibi birseydir haddizatında. Zaman, butuncul olarak algilansa da, parcalanmis sekliyle yasanir ve planlar, zamanın bolumlerine gore yapilir. Cünkü zamanın en kucuk bolumu olan an dediğgmiz sureci iyi degerlendirenler, zamanın butununu iyi degerlendirmis sayılırlar. Gun, hafta, ay, yil olarak algilandigi ve tanimlandigi gibi; dun, bugun, yarin olarakta algilanir ve tanimlanir zaman denilen surec.  Ve yasamlarda, bu bolumlere gore tanzim edilirler. Zamanın parçalarından en önemlisi; an dediğimiz ama net olarak tarif edemediğimiz süreçtir. Çünkü yaşadığın an’dan sonra ki an’ı yaşama şansının garantisi yoktur. Bu yüzden insan, erdiği her an’ı çok iyi değerlendirmelidir. Her an’ını son an’ıymış gibi telakki edenler ve öylece kullananlar kazanacaklardır.

Dost... Gibi?

 ....
İnsan bazen iyimserliklere kapılarak bir çok dostu olduğunu sanır.
Hakikatte bu bir hayaldir.
Dost olmak, dost kalmak kolay değildir
Dostlukla, dostluk benzeri yakınlıklar farklıdır.
Dostluk, fedakârlık temeli üzerine yükselir.
Dostluk binasının sütunları, fedakârlık, sabır, tahammül ve müsamahadır.
Bir menfaate dayalı yakınlığa dostluk denemez.
Dost, almaz; verir;hemde yapisindaki alma yatkinligina ragmen
Gerçek dost, ivazsız ve garazsız sevendir.
Dostluğun kimyası güvendir.
Güven olmayan yerde gülüşler, kahkahalar, sevgiler hep sahtedir.
Dostun bir tek yüzü vardır.
....

Neler yazılmış neler söylenmiştir dostluk üstüne.
 Dostlukta tıpkı aşk gibidir
 İnsan ikisini de yanı başında ister,
ancak aradaki fark da şudur,
aşk bazen insanı terkeder de,
işte o zaman dost teselli eder.

Uyur Uyanik...

“Bir bakıma, insan gördüğü şeylerin toplamı kadar uyanık, görmediği şeylerin sonsuzluğu kadar uykuda oluyor, diyordum. Ardından da, olaya bu açıdan bakıldığından, var olan her şeyi asla aynı anda göremeyeceğimize göre, demek ki uyanmanın hiç, ama hiç mi hiç sonu yok, diyordum.”

 

Self-Forgiveness

Play Nice. Not only to others but yourself as well.


Many people do not know how to self-forgive themselves. Forgiveness represents attempts by an individual to cope with the painful memory of an event. Forgiveness is necessary to facilitate a more sympathetic view of one self. Also it has been seen to relate to a greater well being and positive affect. Conversely, failure to self forgive causes people to generalize their painful events to believe that this is a stable trait about themselves. For example we have all had bad presentations in our lives. Some of us will cope with this event by brushing it off as one bad incidence, and will go on to try again. Others will reason that they will always have bad presentations, and become frozen into only ever trying when made to. Which one of these coping strategies do you think is most adaptive?

Of course being optimistic about a painful event is the healthier! Not only does a failure to self-forgive handicap your abilities, but has also been seen to relate to social introversion, social-pathology, higher depression scores, neuroticism and anxiety (Maltby, Macaskill, Day, 2000). To understand this lets look at self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness has three essential parts. First we must acknowledge what we have done wrong and accept responsibility. Second we must experience the feelings of shame, regret, and guilt. Then thirdly we must over overcome these feeling through self-forgiveness, and stay away from our self-punishment.
I make it sound easier then it is!

Your self-critical nature may date way back into your childhood, and it will take a great deal of introspective analysis to fully understand the moments when you are too hard on yourself. Your first step is to take moments in your life when you were embarrassed about something, then write down how you felt, and how this represents who you are. Then read your thoughts and assess how your thoughts might have been over generalized, and overly critical. It may be helpful to “put someone else in your shoes”, and think about how you would view them. Often we are more critical of our selves then others. This is one cognitive behavioral exercise for realizing the bad cognition we hold.

References:

Maltby, J., Macaskill, A., Day, L. (2000). Failure to forgive self and others: a replication and extension of the relationship between forgiveness, personality, social desirability and general health. Personality and Individual Differences, 30, 881-885.

Wohl, M. J. A., Kuiken, D., & Noels, K. A. (2006). Three ways to forgive: A numerically aided phenomenological study. British Journal of Social Psychology, 45, 547-561.

What is the Modern Day Woman?

Traditionally shyness has been depicted as a ‘female trait’ alongside with compassion, gullibility, moodiness, unpredictability and soft-spokeness. However, since the 21^st century the boundary between female and male shyness has been disappearing. Shyness has become more widely known as a social problem for both sexes, and in this post I will examine how this change came about.

In the 1950’s women were encouraged to be the so-called “good wives” for their husbands. The term “good wives” meant that women had their place in maintaining an orderly house while the men worked hard for creating money. Women were expected to be more modest and shy towards their husbands, and conversely men were expected to be assertive in nature. There was a large distinction between male and female roles which was created by the society they lived in.

By the time the 1980’s came about shyness was considered a failure to develop skills of self-disclosure, and assertiveness. Shyness was stereotyped as a ‘feminine trait’ and was seen as undesirable, especially for men. Therefore shyness was thrust upon women to adopt, while men were pushed away from this trait. Women having to accept the role of being shy created an internal struggle for seeking independence from such societal norms. Over the course of time women fought and were accepted to be considered equal amongst men and the role of women changed completely. *I know there is a whole history there and I have included references for those who wish to look further into the history.


The question that arises is ‘What is the new modern day woman’? Modern womaqn is strong, assertive, beautiful, inspiring, and responsible; yet she is also caring, kind, compassionate, and sometimes even shy. Statistics show that there is a greater prevalence of shyness amongst women in the population, but I would argue that women feel more comfortable disclosing that they are shy while men are afraid to. And so the distinction between male and female shyness I believe should be non-existent. Men and women who have shyness share more similarities then differences and there should not be this cultural push to label one sex as ‘more shy’.

References:

McDaniel, P.A. (2001) Shrinking violets and casper milquetoasts: shyness and heterosexuality from the roles of the fifties to the rules of the nineties, Journal of
Social History, 2001, 34, 3, 547–68.