Self-Forgiveness

Play Nice. Not only to others but yourself as well.


Many people do not know how to self-forgive themselves. Forgiveness represents attempts by an individual to cope with the painful memory of an event. Forgiveness is necessary to facilitate a more sympathetic view of one self. Also it has been seen to relate to a greater well being and positive affect. Conversely, failure to self forgive causes people to generalize their painful events to believe that this is a stable trait about themselves. For example we have all had bad presentations in our lives. Some of us will cope with this event by brushing it off as one bad incidence, and will go on to try again. Others will reason that they will always have bad presentations, and become frozen into only ever trying when made to. Which one of these coping strategies do you think is most adaptive?

Of course being optimistic about a painful event is the healthier! Not only does a failure to self-forgive handicap your abilities, but has also been seen to relate to social introversion, social-pathology, higher depression scores, neuroticism and anxiety (Maltby, Macaskill, Day, 2000). To understand this lets look at self-forgiveness.

Self-forgiveness has three essential parts. First we must acknowledge what we have done wrong and accept responsibility. Second we must experience the feelings of shame, regret, and guilt. Then thirdly we must over overcome these feeling through self-forgiveness, and stay away from our self-punishment.
I make it sound easier then it is!

Your self-critical nature may date way back into your childhood, and it will take a great deal of introspective analysis to fully understand the moments when you are too hard on yourself. Your first step is to take moments in your life when you were embarrassed about something, then write down how you felt, and how this represents who you are. Then read your thoughts and assess how your thoughts might have been over generalized, and overly critical. It may be helpful to “put someone else in your shoes”, and think about how you would view them. Often we are more critical of our selves then others. This is one cognitive behavioral exercise for realizing the bad cognition we hold.

References:

Maltby, J., Macaskill, A., Day, L. (2000). Failure to forgive self and others: a replication and extension of the relationship between forgiveness, personality, social desirability and general health. Personality and Individual Differences, 30, 881-885.

Wohl, M. J. A., Kuiken, D., & Noels, K. A. (2006). Three ways to forgive: A numerically aided phenomenological study. British Journal of Social Psychology, 45, 547-561.