Hayat Bir Oyunculuk Atolyesi

Çocukluğumdan beri meraklıyımdır…

İnsanların kendilerinin bile bilmediği onlara ilişkin dolambaçlı duyguları, tepkileri, davranışları anlamaya…

Tahmin etmeye…

Bunu en çok kendime meraklı olduğum için yaparım aslında…

İnsanları anlamaya çalışarak kendimi tanımak isterim.

Saatlerce bir kafede, otobüs durağında, bankalarda, sokaklarda insanları izlerim…

Küçücük, kimselerin fark etmeyeceği hareketlerine bakarım…

O hareketten koca bir hayatı anlamaya çalışırım.

Ve hep saklananları görürüm nedense…

Hepimiz onları görürüz aslında bakarsak…

Sakladıklarımızı görünmez sanmamız kendimizi akıllı, diğerlerini aptal sanmamızdandır…

Hepimiz itinayla gerçek ‘biz’i saklıyoruz…

Peki gösterdiğimizin ne kadarı gerçek biziz?

.......

 Sevip de söyleyemediğim, özleyip de açıklayamadığım neler var…

Korkaklıklarım, kaygılarım mı var diplerde yoksa cesaretim mi bir işaret bekliyor benden su yüzüne çıkmak için…

Bilmek istiyorum.

Düşünsenize çoğumuz ‘günahtan’ korktuğumuz için hayallerimizi kendimizden saklayıp Tanrı’yı bile kandırmaya çalışıyoruz…

Şimdi günahları sevmiyor muyuz yani biz?

......
Bbir oyuncunun sahnede olduğu kadar özgür olmak istiyorum hayatta…

Bedenimi, sesimi, ruhumu tam da istediğim gibi yönetmek istiyorum…

Sınırlarımı, korkularımı, egomu, ihtirasımı salıvermek istiyorum…

Derinimde ne olup bittiğini sezmek istiyorum…

Ne kadarım kendi sahtekarlığıma esir onu anlamak istiyorum…

Kilit altında sakladığım gerçek duygularımı görmek istiyorum…

Gerçekten düşündüklerimin ne kadarı hayatıma yansıyor, neler var söylemediğim kuytularımda, bir sinir kriziyle ya da büyük bir acıyla ya da muhteşem bir sevinçle kabuğunu çatlatıp ortalara dökülecek neler biriktiriyorum içimde bilmek istiyorum…

.................

 Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin,
kırk odalı şatonuzun kırkıncı odasındaki
kilitler altında sakladığınız gerçek
duygularınızla,
gerçek düşüncelerinizin ne kadarı yansıyor
hayatınıza,
söylenmeyen neler var kuytularda,
hani kendinizden bile sakladığınız,
bir sinir kriziyle ya da büyük bir acıyla
yahut da muhteşem bir sevinçle kabuğunu çatlatıp da
ortalara dökülecek neler biriktiriyorsunuz
içinizde...? ? ?
Ne kadarınız kendi sahtekarlığınızın esiri?
Sevip de söyleyemediğiniz,
özleyip de açıklayamadığınız
ya da sevmeyip de sevginizin eksikliğini içinize
gömdüğünüz oluyor mu,
korkaklıklar var mı,
kalleşlikler var mı,
yoksa diplerde saklanan cesaretiniz bir işaret mi
bekliyor...? ? ?

Göründüğünüz insan mısınız siz,
yoksa bir define arayıcısı hazineler mi bulur
içinizde
ya da yıkılmış bir kentin harabelerini mi
taşıyorsunuz?
Derununuzda neler saklıyorsunuz?
Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?

Ülkenizle ilgili düşüncelerinizi söylüyor musunuz,
yoksa başınızı belaya sokmayacak kadar akıllı mısınız,
gerçek düşüncelerinizi başbaşa konuşmalara mı
saklıyorsunuz,
açıkça konuşanları biraz aptal buluyor musunuz?

Günahlardan yapılmış hayaller var mı içinizde,
günahtan korktuğunuzdan bunları saklayıp
Tanrı'yı mı kandırmaya uğraşıyorsunuz?
Günahları sevmiyor musunuz, seviyor musunuz
yoksa...? ? ?

Uzun bir yolculuğa çıkar gibi
duygularınızla düşüncelerinizi denklere
sarıp da içlerinizde bir yerlere mi
yerleştirdiniz,
bir gün yolculuk bitince açmayı mı düşünüyorsunuz
aslında yolculuğun hiç bitmeyeceğini ve
denklerinizi
hiç açmayacağınızı bilerek...
Bir gün çıldırsanız da
bütün duygularınızla düşüncelerinizi açıkça
söyleseniz,
neler duyacağız sizlerden,
gizli palyaçolar mı çıkacak ortaya,
yoksa korkaklığın altında,
bir istiridyenin içinde büyüyen inciler gibi
büyümüş yiğitlikler mi?

Kızgınlıklarınız yok mu sizin,
öfkeleriniz, isyanlarınız?
Aşklarınız yok mu?
Kendi sahtekarlığınıza ne kadar esirsiniz?
Esaretten kurtulsanız da gerçekler dökülse ortaya,
kendinize şaşar mısınız,
hiç düşündüğünüz oluyor mu kırkıncı odada neler
var diye, hangi unutulmaya çalışılmış sevgililer,
dile getirilmeyen özlemler,
söylenmeye söylenmeye birikmiş öfkeler,
hangi boşvermişlikler,
hangi inkar edilmiş arzular yatıyor diplerde?

Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?

Kimselerden korkmadığınız kadar korkuyor musunuz
kendinizden?
Şehrin ışıklarının bulutlara yansıdığı
turuncu pırıltılı külrengi bir gecede,
şimşeklerle boşanan yağmur başladığında
şatonuzun odalarında bir gezintiye çıkıyor musunuz,
ağır ağır yaklaşıp o kırkıncı odaya açıyor musunuz
kapıyı usulca, gördükleriniz ağlatıyor mu sizi,
bu kadar gerçeği o odada saklayıp,
hayatı yalandan yaşadığınızı farketmek nasıl bir
sarsıntı yaratıyor?
yoksa, ne gökyüzüne vuran ışıklar, ne yağmur, ne de
ıssız gece,
sizin kırkıncı odaya yaklaşmanızı sağlayamıyor mu,
korkuyor musunuz kendi gerçeklerinizden,
kırkıncı odanız size de mi kapalı,
kendi kendinize bile mahrem misiniz?

Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?
Ne kadarınız kendi sahtekarlığına esir?
Bıktığınız olmuyor mu kendi yalanlarınızdan,
hiç kendinizden sıkıldığınız olmuyor mu,
kendinizi bir yerlerde terkedip de gitmek
istemiyor musunuz,
bütün yalanlarınızdan uzak bir yere?

Şöyle rahatça bütün duygularınızı,
bütün düşüncelerinizi söyleyebileceğiniz bir diyara,
kendinizi bile yanınıza almadan.

Ah aslında ben onu seviyordum diye ağlayacağınız
kimleri saklıyorsunuz koynunuzda,
yüksek sesle eleştirip de
içinizden hak verdiğiniz hangi düşünceler var,
kendinizi akıllı bulurken aslında gizlice kendi
korkaklığınızdan utandığınızın itirafını nerelerde
gizliyorsunuz?

Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?
Ne kadarınız kendi sahtekarlığına esir?

Bunu hiç düşündüğünüz oluyor mu
yoksa bunu düşünmek bile yasak mı size?
Neler var kırkıncı odada?
Otuzdokuz odadan yapılmış hayatınızı,
kırkıncı odanın kapısını açmamak için yalandan mı
yaşıyorsunuz?
Niye yapıyorsunuz bunu?
Açsanıza kırkıncı odayı yağmurlu bir gecede
belki...
Belki de hiç açmazsınız,
kapalı bir odayla yaşarsınız bütün ömrünüzü,
kendinizden sıkılarak..

Ahmet Altan

Cry if you need to

The hardest part about moving on is that realizing that the perception you had of someone is an illusion. That person is nowhere near who you thought they were. They did not care for you half as much as you thought they did. You allowed their fakeness to become your reality. Now it is up to you to de-create them and just accept them for who they truly are. In some cases, that means accepting them for the complete jerk that they are. In my case, I will not say that he is a complete jerk. Then again, I actually don’t care! I have deleted this man from my life and I plan to do so forever...

So indeed the hardest part about moving on is forgiving yourself and saying to yourself that you will never fall for it again… but then again you don’t really know how you fell for it the first time…… Therefore, you forgive yourself but you never forget and fight with yourself about how “guarded” you should be when the next man comes along.  When you are at the point that you can completely let your guard down again, you have indeed moved on. However, this I must say is the hardest part.


Just A Thought…

The Book of my Enemy Has Been Remaindered

The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am pleased.
In vast quantities it has been remaindered
Like a van-load of counterfeit that has been seized
And sits in piles in a police warehouse,
My enemy's much-prized effort sits in piles
In the kind of bookshop where remaindering occurs.
Great, square stacks of rejected books and, between them, aisles
One passes down reflecting on life's vanities,
Pausing to remember all those thoughtful reviews
Lavished to no avail upon one's enemy's book --
For behold, here is that book
Among these ranks and banks of duds,
These ponderous and seemingly irreducible cairns
Of complete stiffs.

The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I rejoice.
It has gone with bowed head like a defeated legion
Beneath the yoke.
What avail him now his awards and prizes,
The praise expended upon his meticulous technique,
His individual new voice?
Knocked into the middle of next week
His brainchild now consorts with the bad buys
The sinker, clinkers, dogs and dregs,
The Edsels of the world of moveable type,
The bummers that no amount of hype could shift,
The unbudgeable turkeys.

Yea, his slim volume with its understated wrapper
Bathes in the blare of the brightly jacketed Hitler's War Machine,
His unmistakably individual new voice
Shares the same scrapyard with a forlorn skyscraper 
Of The Kung-Fu Cookbook,
His honesty, proclaimed by himself and believed by others,
His renowned abhorrence of all posturing and pretense,
Is there with Pertwee's Promenades and Pierrots--
One Hundred Years of Seaside Entertainment,
And (oh, this above all) his sensibility,
His sensibility and its hair-like filaments,
His delicate, quivering sensibility is now as one
With Barbara Windsor's Book of Boobs,
A volume graced by the descriptive rubric
"My boobs will give everyone hours of fun".

Soon now a book of mine could be remaindered also,
Though not to the monumental extent
In which the chastisement of remaindering has been meted out
To the book of my enemy,
Since in the case of my own book it will be due
To a miscalculated print run, a marketing error--
Nothing to do with merit.
But just supposing that such an event should hold
Some slight element of sadness, it will be offset
By the memory of this sweet moment.
Chill the champagne and polish the crystal goblets! 
The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am glad.

Forgive

Why is it so hard to forgive, especially long after the event?  You have heard the words so many times, “forgive and forget”, “let it go”, kiss and make up” and so on but somehow it is really hard to do and feels false even when you grit your teeth and force it!

Why is it so hard?

When the offense is minor we forgive easily and truly forgive and forget. Many times a day we, all of us, let go quickly of small slights and hurts because we understand that we, too, say or do things that may hurt someone but usually they are not meant maliciously or are part of a misunderstanding quickly cleared up.

It is when the hurt is deeply wounding and personal that it becomes difficult to let go….  

It's easy to forgive people, but its hard to forget.. because you will never forget how they made you feel.

Ozledim

Siz hic cok ozlediniz mi?
Ben ozledim mesela..
Her gun ozledim,
Her gece ozledim.
Hic sikilmadan, hic bikmadan,
Hic usanmadan ozledim.
Ozlemekten bikmadim hic.
Aksam gordum, sabah ozledim.
Ben ozledim hep   ozledim..

Yes I do love sarcasm

Thinking about sarcasm made me to have this conclusion: i will definitely inherited my mom' s natural gift for sarcasm. Of course, I had people in my past tell me that they did not appreciate it(some hated it though ) and sometimes i lost friends because of perhaps my overuse of sarcasm. Well it may be true that sarcasm can be used to hide feeling or it might be such a great way to defense yourself but it is also a way of saying something that on one hand can be slightly humorous, show creativity, paint a vibrant picture - and on the other hand can convey to the reader/listener that you are on the verge and fully capable of going "off the reservation" if necessary. Sarcasm is one step closer to that place most people don't want to go or get taken to, that place where everything is said, without concern for feelings or grammar or volume control. That place where you don't find a clever way of saying "you are a lazy good for nothing who lets your dog shit everywhere and are too stupid to even realize you should pick it up and from now on we will send you fines until you are kicked out of our community or put in jail." And nobody likes to be delivered a message in that manner, however effective and direct it may be.

Sarcasm to me is a perfect way to let someone know you are fully capable of getting nasty if you need to  and also lets them know that you have the creative genius to go beyond your witty sarcastic retorts and actually make their life a living hell if you choose to, so take heed of the message woven into the sarcasm. It may be the last change you get.

How to Lose a Woman

 

1. Don’t protect her.

She’s a big girl. There’s no reason to help her feel safe in the way she needs to feel safe. There are no guarantees in life so it’s not rational to expect security in relationships. (And nothing is more rational than love.) Her emotional security is paramount to her. This means she wants to rely on you to always be there for her and can count on you to be her best friend. Allow her to feel alone and abandoned, and you will experience both.

2. Don’t respect her.

Simple. Treat her like CRAP. If she doesn’t take it, she’ll leave and you’ll be miserable. If she does, she’ll stay and you’ll both be miserable. Treating her like the extraordinary woman she is will only increase her expectations, attitude, and hope, and courage, and affection, and love …

3. Don’t listen to her.

Every time she talks either tune her out or try to solve her problems. Do not, under any circumstances come to the realization that her feel­ings are the prob­lem she needs to com­mu­ni­cate to you. She doesn’t want you to DO anything. (After all, if she wanted your help she would ask for it. Seriously, she will.) And if you wanted her to feel closer to you than anyone else in the world you would not lis­ten to her prob­lems, but to her feel­ings. That takes paying sharp attention to her and learning how to really listen beyond her words. You would have to look at her as a person of near limitless emotional capacity. And all of that would only show her how much you truly value her. Who has that kind of time?

4. Look at her like an object.

All your life you’ve been sizing women up, judging them, taking in their physical being the same way you do with cars, boats or maybe fishing gear. Women are their words, their silence, their movement, the expressions, their work, their art, their friends, their children, their emotions, their thoughts, their hearts and their minds. They are more complex than anything else in the world. If you’re lucky, you might be smart enough to take on the challenge of understanding one someday.

5. Take her for granted.

Let her know she’s nothing special. Devalue everything she does, especially the things she does for you. If you want to make her miserable, sad, hopeless, or just lose her self-esteem make sure she knows she really doesn’t mean that much to you. You can’t be bothered with the fact that she’ll be looking for some kind of positive affirmation from you every day. And giving it to her is not something you can do once a month or week, on holidays or special occasions. She knows you appreciate her when you work at it all the time, especially those times when you don’t have to.

6. Don’t let her know she is important.

This one’s easy. If her father let her know that she is important as a person and you don’t show her the same thing, she won’t even consider a real relationship with you (because she knows you’re wrong.) However, if he didn’t teach her these things (making him was a heartless jerk) then you have to go along with him. Otherwise, if you try to prove her father wrong and treat her with the love and respect she deserves, she will fight you. She may never unbelieve her father’s lie. But if you do choose to take on the job, commit to it like a man.

7. Don’t let her know she is interesting.

Don’t show any interest in her life, her passions, her story, her friends, work, hobbies, troubles, etc. Showing her she bores you is the best way to prove to her that she will never be her best with you.

8. Cheat.

No joking around on this one. Don’t cheat. Have the courage to say no or the decency to end the relationship. Stop and think of the damage you are doing to her for the rest of her life. However, if you want to permanently kill a good section her heart then go ahead. Tell yourself whatever you want. She will never recover, especially if she stays with you.

9. Don’t commit. 

She’ll feel fine if you can’t commit to anything, large or small. Can’t make little plans because of work or your family or your friends or your other interests? No problem. She’ll make plans without you. Can’t make big plans like spending the rest of your life with her? She’ll make those plans without you as well.

10. Don’t kiss her. 

If you don’t want her, don’t touch her. And especially don’t kiss her. However, if you want to be a man, shut up and take five completely uninterrupted minutes every day to hold her and kiss her.

11. Don’t cherish and adore her.

Don’t pay any attention to the needs she’s had since she was a child. Yes she is all grown up, but there is a part of the little girl she once was still living inside her. She needs your help in telling the little girl that everything is going to be okay because she is truly loved. Yeah, she can certainly handle that on her own, or with somebody else.

12. Don’t provide for her. 

Screw Travis McGee. It’s the 21st Century and women should be able to carry their own weight. Sorry, but if you can’t provide for her financially she will never be able to completely rely on you. She needs to count on you no matter what happens. Unpredictability is her worst enemy and the world is becoming more unpredictable ever day. You must be her safe harbor, her one place to go when it all goes to hell.

13.  Don’t compliment her.

If you want her to find proof that she is attractive from someone else, don’t show her how attracted you are to her. If you want her to know how much you adore her, tell her how your attraction to her makes you feel. “Seeing your eyes make me feel like I’m really home,” is better than, “You have nice eyes.” But don’t do that. You’d have to examine all the great feelings she gives you. And who needs that much self awareness?

14. Ignore Adventure.

Needing security must mean she wants routine and dullness, right? Do you realize how much a woman wants adventure? Not the adventure of being with you or the ups and downs of your relationship, but the adventures—large and small—you embark on together. She wants to be safe/secure enough in you so that you are the only one she will dare travel with on the adventures she desires so deeply.

15. Don’t surprise her.

Going to the trouble to be spontaneous or romantic without her knowing proves to her that she is precious to you. She needs to see you going to a lot of trouble for her to truly know she is loved and safe. That’s a lot of work.

16. Don’t romance her.

Your first date was a long time ago. No need to act like that idiot anymore. It’s probably best to just settle into a routine and ignore her need for unique expressions of your love for her. On the other hand, if you bring her out on a “first date” once in a while, or go out of your way for her romantically, you will reset the emotional freshness of her heart and your relationship.

17. Don’t be a hero.

She may not want you to solve all her problems, but she definitely wants a champion. Who the hell even knows what that means? It’s a fine line to walk. And it’s only attempted by the truest of men with the utmost courage and conviction.

 18. Don’t take her anywhere. 

She is feeling things emotionally that you will never even come close to. Imagine all emotions—good and bad—are rocks. Someone hands two identical rocks to you and to your woman. To you it feels like a rock. To her it’s a boulder. The weight of all that, all day, every day, gets to be a burden. Weather you take her to dinner, a spa, on vacation, or just sit and watch her try on dresses, you will be her hero for taking her out from under her own personal pile of boulders.

19. Don’t change your habits.

Let pride be your guide. Never improve. You’ve gone far too long becoming just as perfect as you are. Why switch up your game now? Remember, compromise and consideration has no place in relationships … unless you want them to work. Anyway, who has strength enough to be flexible?

20. Hate apologizing. 

If you wanted to make this work, you would love apologizing. Point out your mistakes and apologize for them until she tells you to stop. But, that will only make her trust you and rely on your decency and trustworthiness as a man.

21. Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.

Forget that emotional intimacy is the utterly close connection that will exist only when you are truly committed to and trust one another. It means you are both devoted to the well being and individual growth of the other, that you fully trust her and her you. It means knowing with absolute certainty that you are perfectly safe with each other. So, you would have to take the time to find a woman with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting her for who she is, but celebrating who she is.

22. Don’t man up and deal with it.

You have issues. Everybody does. But you’re strong enough to handle them and not let them affect your life or your relationships. Certainly, you don’t need to deal with your past, your humiliations, shame, failures, addictions, etc. Getting help and staying strong only means you’re weak.