Let it go

I came across with a quote tonight and could not get over how powerful the statement is:

When you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.

And I found myself thinking about the nature of forgiveness and of the power and value of being able to forgive.

I understand and agree with the idea that forgiving others is more about your peace of mind then it is about their feelings. You don't have to make it known to those who have hurt you that you have forgiven them.

The issue is learning how to transcend the hurt, how to get to a place in your heart and mind where the hurt is no longer holding you back from fully caring for others and allowing yourself to be cared for by others.

Is it possible to truly forgive all transgressions?

How do you forgive someone who physically abused you when you were a child?

How do you forgive someone who raped you or a family member?

How do you forgive someone who spread vicious and humiliating lies about you?

How do you forgive parents who put their own needs and egos way ahead of your basic emotional needs as a child?

How do you forgive a parent who left you when you were young?

How do you forgive someone who has sucked the joy out of your life through his or her negative, hypocritical, phony, lazy, selfish, and ill-tempered behavior through decades of marriage?

Maybe complete forgiveness is impossible in some cases. Maybe hurt that you have encountered is so bad that you will suffer to some degree until you pass on because you will always be angry at the people who hurt you.
..............

To think of it....
If we use parallel univese theory....It is possible to move to a possible future where that past event didnt happen... But i dont know how to do it practically...

Technically the past does not exist, only memory that exists in the now which happens to be very tangible. However, memory does not appear to be an easy thing to edit.There really is no past, just the illusion of duration as the states of matter change in the now.

............

If you are determined to find a way to free yourself of the burden of chronic anger, no matter how badly you have been hurt, there is one powerful and effective exercise that I can recommend.

It's to sit or lie in a quiet place and imagine your tormentors as they were when they were babies or young children. Visualize these people one at a time, and really take time to feel the realities of their lives as toddlers.

Babies are not born with a distinct desire to hurt others physically or emotionally. They are born craving love and protection. Visualize what your tormentors were like when they did nothing but crave love and protection.

If you work at realizing how pure and innocent your tormentors once were, you may come to a point where it becomes clear that their hurtful acts as older children or adults likely stem from their own wounds.

Helen Keller

Helen Keller: “A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.”

 
It gives me pause to read these words from a woman who was profoundly deaf and blind from the age of two. If anyone could be said to have struggled with hardship, Helen Keller would be one of the tops. And yet, she was known for her unflagging optimism and tireless activism for racial and sexual equality at a time when such ideas were scorned and ridiculed. Where does such courage come from?

We all endure pain and hardship, some more than others. This is an unfortunate fact of life that nobody can change. What we CAN change, however, is the stories we tell ourselves. Too often, we prolong our pain by wishing for a future that cannot be, or by looking back nostalgically at a past we’ve lost. Or we get angry or depressed about a situation that’s gone beyond our control. The alternative path is to take steps toward changing our lives by seeing clearly what is here and now.

We all endure pain and hardship, some more than others. This is an unfortunate fact of life that nobody can change. What we CAN change, however, is the stories we tell ourselves. Too often, we prolong our pain by wishing for a future that cannot be, or by looking back nostalgically at a past we’ve lost. Or we get angry or depressed about a situation that’s gone beyond our control. The alternative path is to take steps toward changing our lives by seeing clearly what is here and now.

 

Hayat Bir Oyunculuk Atolyesi

Çocukluğumdan beri meraklıyımdır…

İnsanların kendilerinin bile bilmediği onlara ilişkin dolambaçlı duyguları, tepkileri, davranışları anlamaya…

Tahmin etmeye…

Bunu en çok kendime meraklı olduğum için yaparım aslında…

İnsanları anlamaya çalışarak kendimi tanımak isterim.

Saatlerce bir kafede, otobüs durağında, bankalarda, sokaklarda insanları izlerim…

Küçücük, kimselerin fark etmeyeceği hareketlerine bakarım…

O hareketten koca bir hayatı anlamaya çalışırım.

Ve hep saklananları görürüm nedense…

Hepimiz onları görürüz aslında bakarsak…

Sakladıklarımızı görünmez sanmamız kendimizi akıllı, diğerlerini aptal sanmamızdandır…

Hepimiz itinayla gerçek ‘biz’i saklıyoruz…

Peki gösterdiğimizin ne kadarı gerçek biziz?

.......

 Sevip de söyleyemediğim, özleyip de açıklayamadığım neler var…

Korkaklıklarım, kaygılarım mı var diplerde yoksa cesaretim mi bir işaret bekliyor benden su yüzüne çıkmak için…

Bilmek istiyorum.

Düşünsenize çoğumuz ‘günahtan’ korktuğumuz için hayallerimizi kendimizden saklayıp Tanrı’yı bile kandırmaya çalışıyoruz…

Şimdi günahları sevmiyor muyuz yani biz?

......
Bbir oyuncunun sahnede olduğu kadar özgür olmak istiyorum hayatta…

Bedenimi, sesimi, ruhumu tam da istediğim gibi yönetmek istiyorum…

Sınırlarımı, korkularımı, egomu, ihtirasımı salıvermek istiyorum…

Derinimde ne olup bittiğini sezmek istiyorum…

Ne kadarım kendi sahtekarlığıma esir onu anlamak istiyorum…

Kilit altında sakladığım gerçek duygularımı görmek istiyorum…

Gerçekten düşündüklerimin ne kadarı hayatıma yansıyor, neler var söylemediğim kuytularımda, bir sinir kriziyle ya da büyük bir acıyla ya da muhteşem bir sevinçle kabuğunu çatlatıp ortalara dökülecek neler biriktiriyorum içimde bilmek istiyorum…

.................

 Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin,
kırk odalı şatonuzun kırkıncı odasındaki
kilitler altında sakladığınız gerçek
duygularınızla,
gerçek düşüncelerinizin ne kadarı yansıyor
hayatınıza,
söylenmeyen neler var kuytularda,
hani kendinizden bile sakladığınız,
bir sinir kriziyle ya da büyük bir acıyla
yahut da muhteşem bir sevinçle kabuğunu çatlatıp da
ortalara dökülecek neler biriktiriyorsunuz
içinizde...? ? ?
Ne kadarınız kendi sahtekarlığınızın esiri?
Sevip de söyleyemediğiniz,
özleyip de açıklayamadığınız
ya da sevmeyip de sevginizin eksikliğini içinize
gömdüğünüz oluyor mu,
korkaklıklar var mı,
kalleşlikler var mı,
yoksa diplerde saklanan cesaretiniz bir işaret mi
bekliyor...? ? ?

Göründüğünüz insan mısınız siz,
yoksa bir define arayıcısı hazineler mi bulur
içinizde
ya da yıkılmış bir kentin harabelerini mi
taşıyorsunuz?
Derununuzda neler saklıyorsunuz?
Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?

Ülkenizle ilgili düşüncelerinizi söylüyor musunuz,
yoksa başınızı belaya sokmayacak kadar akıllı mısınız,
gerçek düşüncelerinizi başbaşa konuşmalara mı
saklıyorsunuz,
açıkça konuşanları biraz aptal buluyor musunuz?

Günahlardan yapılmış hayaller var mı içinizde,
günahtan korktuğunuzdan bunları saklayıp
Tanrı'yı mı kandırmaya uğraşıyorsunuz?
Günahları sevmiyor musunuz, seviyor musunuz
yoksa...? ? ?

Uzun bir yolculuğa çıkar gibi
duygularınızla düşüncelerinizi denklere
sarıp da içlerinizde bir yerlere mi
yerleştirdiniz,
bir gün yolculuk bitince açmayı mı düşünüyorsunuz
aslında yolculuğun hiç bitmeyeceğini ve
denklerinizi
hiç açmayacağınızı bilerek...
Bir gün çıldırsanız da
bütün duygularınızla düşüncelerinizi açıkça
söyleseniz,
neler duyacağız sizlerden,
gizli palyaçolar mı çıkacak ortaya,
yoksa korkaklığın altında,
bir istiridyenin içinde büyüyen inciler gibi
büyümüş yiğitlikler mi?

Kızgınlıklarınız yok mu sizin,
öfkeleriniz, isyanlarınız?
Aşklarınız yok mu?
Kendi sahtekarlığınıza ne kadar esirsiniz?
Esaretten kurtulsanız da gerçekler dökülse ortaya,
kendinize şaşar mısınız,
hiç düşündüğünüz oluyor mu kırkıncı odada neler
var diye, hangi unutulmaya çalışılmış sevgililer,
dile getirilmeyen özlemler,
söylenmeye söylenmeye birikmiş öfkeler,
hangi boşvermişlikler,
hangi inkar edilmiş arzular yatıyor diplerde?

Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?

Kimselerden korkmadığınız kadar korkuyor musunuz
kendinizden?
Şehrin ışıklarının bulutlara yansıdığı
turuncu pırıltılı külrengi bir gecede,
şimşeklerle boşanan yağmur başladığında
şatonuzun odalarında bir gezintiye çıkıyor musunuz,
ağır ağır yaklaşıp o kırkıncı odaya açıyor musunuz
kapıyı usulca, gördükleriniz ağlatıyor mu sizi,
bu kadar gerçeği o odada saklayıp,
hayatı yalandan yaşadığınızı farketmek nasıl bir
sarsıntı yaratıyor?
yoksa, ne gökyüzüne vuran ışıklar, ne yağmur, ne de
ıssız gece,
sizin kırkıncı odaya yaklaşmanızı sağlayamıyor mu,
korkuyor musunuz kendi gerçeklerinizden,
kırkıncı odanız size de mi kapalı,
kendi kendinize bile mahrem misiniz?

Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?
Ne kadarınız kendi sahtekarlığına esir?
Bıktığınız olmuyor mu kendi yalanlarınızdan,
hiç kendinizden sıkıldığınız olmuyor mu,
kendinizi bir yerlerde terkedip de gitmek
istemiyor musunuz,
bütün yalanlarınızdan uzak bir yere?

Şöyle rahatça bütün duygularınızı,
bütün düşüncelerinizi söyleyebileceğiniz bir diyara,
kendinizi bile yanınıza almadan.

Ah aslında ben onu seviyordum diye ağlayacağınız
kimleri saklıyorsunuz koynunuzda,
yüksek sesle eleştirip de
içinizden hak verdiğiniz hangi düşünceler var,
kendinizi akıllı bulurken aslında gizlice kendi
korkaklığınızdan utandığınızın itirafını nerelerde
gizliyorsunuz?

Ne kadarınız gerçek sizin?
Ne kadarınız kendi sahtekarlığına esir?

Bunu hiç düşündüğünüz oluyor mu
yoksa bunu düşünmek bile yasak mı size?
Neler var kırkıncı odada?
Otuzdokuz odadan yapılmış hayatınızı,
kırkıncı odanın kapısını açmamak için yalandan mı
yaşıyorsunuz?
Niye yapıyorsunuz bunu?
Açsanıza kırkıncı odayı yağmurlu bir gecede
belki...
Belki de hiç açmazsınız,
kapalı bir odayla yaşarsınız bütün ömrünüzü,
kendinizden sıkılarak..

Ahmet Altan

Cry if you need to

The hardest part about moving on is that realizing that the perception you had of someone is an illusion. That person is nowhere near who you thought they were. They did not care for you half as much as you thought they did. You allowed their fakeness to become your reality. Now it is up to you to de-create them and just accept them for who they truly are. In some cases, that means accepting them for the complete jerk that they are. In my case, I will not say that he is a complete jerk. Then again, I actually don’t care! I have deleted this man from my life and I plan to do so forever...

So indeed the hardest part about moving on is forgiving yourself and saying to yourself that you will never fall for it again… but then again you don’t really know how you fell for it the first time…… Therefore, you forgive yourself but you never forget and fight with yourself about how “guarded” you should be when the next man comes along.  When you are at the point that you can completely let your guard down again, you have indeed moved on. However, this I must say is the hardest part.


Just A Thought…

The Book of my Enemy Has Been Remaindered

The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am pleased.
In vast quantities it has been remaindered
Like a van-load of counterfeit that has been seized
And sits in piles in a police warehouse,
My enemy's much-prized effort sits in piles
In the kind of bookshop where remaindering occurs.
Great, square stacks of rejected books and, between them, aisles
One passes down reflecting on life's vanities,
Pausing to remember all those thoughtful reviews
Lavished to no avail upon one's enemy's book --
For behold, here is that book
Among these ranks and banks of duds,
These ponderous and seemingly irreducible cairns
Of complete stiffs.

The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I rejoice.
It has gone with bowed head like a defeated legion
Beneath the yoke.
What avail him now his awards and prizes,
The praise expended upon his meticulous technique,
His individual new voice?
Knocked into the middle of next week
His brainchild now consorts with the bad buys
The sinker, clinkers, dogs and dregs,
The Edsels of the world of moveable type,
The bummers that no amount of hype could shift,
The unbudgeable turkeys.

Yea, his slim volume with its understated wrapper
Bathes in the blare of the brightly jacketed Hitler's War Machine,
His unmistakably individual new voice
Shares the same scrapyard with a forlorn skyscraper 
Of The Kung-Fu Cookbook,
His honesty, proclaimed by himself and believed by others,
His renowned abhorrence of all posturing and pretense,
Is there with Pertwee's Promenades and Pierrots--
One Hundred Years of Seaside Entertainment,
And (oh, this above all) his sensibility,
His sensibility and its hair-like filaments,
His delicate, quivering sensibility is now as one
With Barbara Windsor's Book of Boobs,
A volume graced by the descriptive rubric
"My boobs will give everyone hours of fun".

Soon now a book of mine could be remaindered also,
Though not to the monumental extent
In which the chastisement of remaindering has been meted out
To the book of my enemy,
Since in the case of my own book it will be due
To a miscalculated print run, a marketing error--
Nothing to do with merit.
But just supposing that such an event should hold
Some slight element of sadness, it will be offset
By the memory of this sweet moment.
Chill the champagne and polish the crystal goblets! 
The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am glad.

Forgive

Why is it so hard to forgive, especially long after the event?  You have heard the words so many times, “forgive and forget”, “let it go”, kiss and make up” and so on but somehow it is really hard to do and feels false even when you grit your teeth and force it!

Why is it so hard?

When the offense is minor we forgive easily and truly forgive and forget. Many times a day we, all of us, let go quickly of small slights and hurts because we understand that we, too, say or do things that may hurt someone but usually they are not meant maliciously or are part of a misunderstanding quickly cleared up.

It is when the hurt is deeply wounding and personal that it becomes difficult to let go….  

It's easy to forgive people, but its hard to forget.. because you will never forget how they made you feel.

Ozledim

Siz hic cok ozlediniz mi?
Ben ozledim mesela..
Her gun ozledim,
Her gece ozledim.
Hic sikilmadan, hic bikmadan,
Hic usanmadan ozledim.
Ozlemekten bikmadim hic.
Aksam gordum, sabah ozledim.
Ben ozledim hep   ozledim..

Yes I do love sarcasm

Thinking about sarcasm made me to have this conclusion: i will definitely inherited my mom' s natural gift for sarcasm. Of course, I had people in my past tell me that they did not appreciate it(some hated it though ) and sometimes i lost friends because of perhaps my overuse of sarcasm. Well it may be true that sarcasm can be used to hide feeling or it might be such a great way to defense yourself but it is also a way of saying something that on one hand can be slightly humorous, show creativity, paint a vibrant picture - and on the other hand can convey to the reader/listener that you are on the verge and fully capable of going "off the reservation" if necessary. Sarcasm is one step closer to that place most people don't want to go or get taken to, that place where everything is said, without concern for feelings or grammar or volume control. That place where you don't find a clever way of saying "you are a lazy good for nothing who lets your dog shit everywhere and are too stupid to even realize you should pick it up and from now on we will send you fines until you are kicked out of our community or put in jail." And nobody likes to be delivered a message in that manner, however effective and direct it may be.

Sarcasm to me is a perfect way to let someone know you are fully capable of getting nasty if you need to  and also lets them know that you have the creative genius to go beyond your witty sarcastic retorts and actually make their life a living hell if you choose to, so take heed of the message woven into the sarcasm. It may be the last change you get.

How to Lose a Woman

 

1. Don’t protect her.

She’s a big girl. There’s no reason to help her feel safe in the way she needs to feel safe. There are no guarantees in life so it’s not rational to expect security in relationships. (And nothing is more rational than love.) Her emotional security is paramount to her. This means she wants to rely on you to always be there for her and can count on you to be her best friend. Allow her to feel alone and abandoned, and you will experience both.

2. Don’t respect her.

Simple. Treat her like CRAP. If she doesn’t take it, she’ll leave and you’ll be miserable. If she does, she’ll stay and you’ll both be miserable. Treating her like the extraordinary woman she is will only increase her expectations, attitude, and hope, and courage, and affection, and love …

3. Don’t listen to her.

Every time she talks either tune her out or try to solve her problems. Do not, under any circumstances come to the realization that her feel­ings are the prob­lem she needs to com­mu­ni­cate to you. She doesn’t want you to DO anything. (After all, if she wanted your help she would ask for it. Seriously, she will.) And if you wanted her to feel closer to you than anyone else in the world you would not lis­ten to her prob­lems, but to her feel­ings. That takes paying sharp attention to her and learning how to really listen beyond her words. You would have to look at her as a person of near limitless emotional capacity. And all of that would only show her how much you truly value her. Who has that kind of time?

4. Look at her like an object.

All your life you’ve been sizing women up, judging them, taking in their physical being the same way you do with cars, boats or maybe fishing gear. Women are their words, their silence, their movement, the expressions, their work, their art, their friends, their children, their emotions, their thoughts, their hearts and their minds. They are more complex than anything else in the world. If you’re lucky, you might be smart enough to take on the challenge of understanding one someday.

5. Take her for granted.

Let her know she’s nothing special. Devalue everything she does, especially the things she does for you. If you want to make her miserable, sad, hopeless, or just lose her self-esteem make sure she knows she really doesn’t mean that much to you. You can’t be bothered with the fact that she’ll be looking for some kind of positive affirmation from you every day. And giving it to her is not something you can do once a month or week, on holidays or special occasions. She knows you appreciate her when you work at it all the time, especially those times when you don’t have to.

6. Don’t let her know she is important.

This one’s easy. If her father let her know that she is important as a person and you don’t show her the same thing, she won’t even consider a real relationship with you (because she knows you’re wrong.) However, if he didn’t teach her these things (making him was a heartless jerk) then you have to go along with him. Otherwise, if you try to prove her father wrong and treat her with the love and respect she deserves, she will fight you. She may never unbelieve her father’s lie. But if you do choose to take on the job, commit to it like a man.

7. Don’t let her know she is interesting.

Don’t show any interest in her life, her passions, her story, her friends, work, hobbies, troubles, etc. Showing her she bores you is the best way to prove to her that she will never be her best with you.

8. Cheat.

No joking around on this one. Don’t cheat. Have the courage to say no or the decency to end the relationship. Stop and think of the damage you are doing to her for the rest of her life. However, if you want to permanently kill a good section her heart then go ahead. Tell yourself whatever you want. She will never recover, especially if she stays with you.

9. Don’t commit. 

She’ll feel fine if you can’t commit to anything, large or small. Can’t make little plans because of work or your family or your friends or your other interests? No problem. She’ll make plans without you. Can’t make big plans like spending the rest of your life with her? She’ll make those plans without you as well.

10. Don’t kiss her. 

If you don’t want her, don’t touch her. And especially don’t kiss her. However, if you want to be a man, shut up and take five completely uninterrupted minutes every day to hold her and kiss her.

11. Don’t cherish and adore her.

Don’t pay any attention to the needs she’s had since she was a child. Yes she is all grown up, but there is a part of the little girl she once was still living inside her. She needs your help in telling the little girl that everything is going to be okay because she is truly loved. Yeah, she can certainly handle that on her own, or with somebody else.

12. Don’t provide for her. 

Screw Travis McGee. It’s the 21st Century and women should be able to carry their own weight. Sorry, but if you can’t provide for her financially she will never be able to completely rely on you. She needs to count on you no matter what happens. Unpredictability is her worst enemy and the world is becoming more unpredictable ever day. You must be her safe harbor, her one place to go when it all goes to hell.

13.  Don’t compliment her.

If you want her to find proof that she is attractive from someone else, don’t show her how attracted you are to her. If you want her to know how much you adore her, tell her how your attraction to her makes you feel. “Seeing your eyes make me feel like I’m really home,” is better than, “You have nice eyes.” But don’t do that. You’d have to examine all the great feelings she gives you. And who needs that much self awareness?

14. Ignore Adventure.

Needing security must mean she wants routine and dullness, right? Do you realize how much a woman wants adventure? Not the adventure of being with you or the ups and downs of your relationship, but the adventures—large and small—you embark on together. She wants to be safe/secure enough in you so that you are the only one she will dare travel with on the adventures she desires so deeply.

15. Don’t surprise her.

Going to the trouble to be spontaneous or romantic without her knowing proves to her that she is precious to you. She needs to see you going to a lot of trouble for her to truly know she is loved and safe. That’s a lot of work.

16. Don’t romance her.

Your first date was a long time ago. No need to act like that idiot anymore. It’s probably best to just settle into a routine and ignore her need for unique expressions of your love for her. On the other hand, if you bring her out on a “first date” once in a while, or go out of your way for her romantically, you will reset the emotional freshness of her heart and your relationship.

17. Don’t be a hero.

She may not want you to solve all her problems, but she definitely wants a champion. Who the hell even knows what that means? It’s a fine line to walk. And it’s only attempted by the truest of men with the utmost courage and conviction.

 18. Don’t take her anywhere. 

She is feeling things emotionally that you will never even come close to. Imagine all emotions—good and bad—are rocks. Someone hands two identical rocks to you and to your woman. To you it feels like a rock. To her it’s a boulder. The weight of all that, all day, every day, gets to be a burden. Weather you take her to dinner, a spa, on vacation, or just sit and watch her try on dresses, you will be her hero for taking her out from under her own personal pile of boulders.

19. Don’t change your habits.

Let pride be your guide. Never improve. You’ve gone far too long becoming just as perfect as you are. Why switch up your game now? Remember, compromise and consideration has no place in relationships … unless you want them to work. Anyway, who has strength enough to be flexible?

20. Hate apologizing. 

If you wanted to make this work, you would love apologizing. Point out your mistakes and apologize for them until she tells you to stop. But, that will only make her trust you and rely on your decency and trustworthiness as a man.

21. Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.

Forget that emotional intimacy is the utterly close connection that will exist only when you are truly committed to and trust one another. It means you are both devoted to the well being and individual growth of the other, that you fully trust her and her you. It means knowing with absolute certainty that you are perfectly safe with each other. So, you would have to take the time to find a woman with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting her for who she is, but celebrating who she is.

22. Don’t man up and deal with it.

You have issues. Everybody does. But you’re strong enough to handle them and not let them affect your life or your relationships. Certainly, you don’t need to deal with your past, your humiliations, shame, failures, addictions, etc. Getting help and staying strong only means you’re weak.

What Matters Most

Oriah Mountain Dreamer


It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with the pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me whom you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Çınar Misali

 

Vakti zamanında bir parkta büyük bir çınar ağacı varmış.Öyle vakur ve ihtişamlı dururmuşki gelip geçenler ona hayran kalır onun büyük gövdesinin altına sığınır ,ona sırtlarını dayarlarmış.Güven verirmiş çınar ağacı çevresine.Herkes ona sırtını dayarmışda kimse bilmezmiş onunda bir derdi varmıdır.?

Herkes ,baktığı kadarını görür..Solan yapraklarından anlamazlarmış olup biteni.

Önemli olan bakmak değildir baktığını görmektir çünkü..

Günlerden bir gün bu çınar ağacı aniden yıkılıvermiş. O dimdik duran  devasa ağaç, iri kökleriyle toprağa sımkıkı bağlanan, yemyeşil yapraklarıyla hayat dolu görünen  çınar; artık yerde yatan bir zavallı durumundaymış.Kimse olan biteni anlamamış yerde yatan çınara şaşkınlık içinde bakakalmış..incelemeler sonunda anlaşılmışki çınar ağacını içten içe yiyip bitiren küçücük bir kurtcukmuş..Bu kurt yavaş yavaş ağacı yiyip bitirmiş..Kendini kemiren kurda karşı fazla dayanamayan ağaç yıkılmış..pes etmiş..

İnsanda bir çınar ağacına benzer aslında..

Son derece vakur, dimdik ayakta durmalıdır hayatındaki insanların ona verdiği güvensizlik ve acılar karşısında ..öulede olmak zorundadır.Çünkü yaşanan her olay karşısında anlarki kendine kendinden başka dost yoktur..Aciz, zavallı,çaresiz kaldığı anları gizler,saklar…Ağladını kimse görsün  bilsin istemez.Yalnızdır insan ,yalnız ağlar çoğu zaman.Kalabalığın içinde yalnızdır…Hep güçlü görünmek ister ona muhtaç olan, sorumlulukları olan insanlara karşı , dimdik ayakta olmak zorundadır.Kendini içten içe yiyip bitiren kurtlara karşı tek başına mücadele eder çoğu zaman.Kimseye belli etmez içinde yaşadığı acıları hep mutlu görünür.

Bir yara bir ömrü nasıl kanatır,nerden biliceksiniz..?.. İçten içe kendini yiyip bitiren kurtlara karşı nasıl mücadele eder bir insan nasıl direnir kimse bilemez..Derdi çeken bilir,acıyı yaşayan bilir misali kimse kimsenin ne yaşadını ne çektini bilemez hissedemez.Herkesin derdi kendine büyüktür..Bazı acılar vardır sessiz ve dilsizdir.Kelam yetmez anlatılmaz dile gelmez..Anlatsan bile kimse anlamaz..Kimseye sıkıntını derdini anlatamazsın  , anlatmaktan ziyade anlaşılmak istersin çünkü..Anlaşılmam endişesi belkide bizleri asosyal yapıp içe dönük yaşamamıza sebeb oluyordur kimbilir..Zira kendini ifade etmekten ziyade karşısındaki insanların ne anladığı onu ne kadar anlıyabildiği daha önemlidir.Çünkü sen ne kadar anlatırsan anlat,karşındaki insanın anladığı kadarsındır..

Çok şey istemeyiz aslında beklentilerimiz verdiklerimizden daha azdır .Sevmek,sevilmek çokmu zordur. Sevdiğinden emin olabilirsin ama sevildiğinden asla emin olamassın demiş fuzuli..Demekki sevilmek ister insan..Sevildini hissetmek ister.Ensesinde bir ses ,bir nefes duymak  ister..Omzunda bir el sıcaklığı ,ona uzanan elden güç almak ister..Azıcık ilgi alaka ,hoşgörü destek olmak ,dostça arkadaşca.Zor anında yanındayım demek..Güleryüz, samimiyet, çokmu zordur riyasız sevmek..Ver elini bırakmam demek..Güç vermek o insana..Derdin varsa yanındayım demek..Onun yüzünü güldürmek çokmu zordur..

Belki yeterince sevgi görsek içimizde bizi yiyip bitiren kurtlara karşı daha güçlü oluruz..Çınar ağacı gibi yıkılıp kalmayız ortalık yerde.Yeterince sevgi, samimiyet, ilgi ve alaka görsek dertleşebilsek çevremizle ..Yanındayım dersinde yanında kimseyi bulamassın çoğu zaman..Uzattığın ellerin boşluğa uzanır.En güvendiğin dağlara kar yağar..Her defasında yıkılır ayağa tekrar kalkarsın..Yaşanan her olay bir tecrübedir aslında..
Haykırmak istersinde susarsın ..Susmak konuşmaktan evladır çünkü..Sessiz çığlığını senden başkası duymaz.Yalnızlına dört duvar şahitlik eder …Birde her nefeste biraz daha seni tüketen bir sigara..Ne yaptım dersin kendi kendine,ben bu dost dediğim insanlara ne yaptım..Az mı verdimde çok şey istedim..Yada verdiklerim yetmedimi.Yüreğimmidir az gelen..Yoksa sevgimmi değersizdir..

Fairy tales&Intelligence

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more ."

The above quotecomes from none other than Albert Einstein. And though the title of this post was meant to be slightly humorous and not to literally apply to all situations, I think there's something in what he said. He elaborates below:

"When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking."

When children are young, they are what we call concrete thinkers. This means that they understand things based on concrete objects they can see, and not abstract concepts. As a special ed teacher, many of my students are stuck in the concrete thinking stage. They probably interpret phrases literally and will be confused at puns or words with double meaning. For example, using a phrase like "looks like the cat's out of the bag" is something adults may use and the meaning is obvious to us, but a concrete thinker may start looking around to see where this cat is and wondering why it was in a bag in the first place.

When young children learn math, they can learn basic arithmetic by using physical objects to represent an equation. Two apples plus one apple equals three apples; children can add and subtract by counting with their fingers, and that's why our math system is in base 10. But when it comes to algebra, and the concept of a variable is introduced, that's abstract-a letter which doesn't really represent a letter, but an unknown numeric value. In order to understand algebra, one has to be able to entertain an undefined idea that can't be represented by an object or picture.

Really this is what fairy tales do, although the same argument could be made for fantasy or fiction in general. Except in rare cases, children are able to understand when they hear a story, especially one that begins in "once upon a time" and isn't intentionally presented as a true story, that it didn't actually happen. Therefore they're entertaining ideas in their heads that they know aren't physically real, or thinking abstractly, but in a basic, graspable form. Even more in fantasy and fairy tales, as children learn more about the world, they're able to take in many events in a fictional story and separate in their minds what is not true but could be true, such as Cinderella doing housework, with what is not true and couldn't possibly be true, such as a pumpkin turning into a coach. Very young or concrete thinkers may be confused by this, but an older child who is not yet an abstract thinker won't have to be specifically taught that pumpkins can't turn into coaches to know that that element of the story was magical. And yet it's fun for children-and most adults, I believe-to entertain the notion of living in a world where such a thing would be possible.

I think this is what Einstein meant. It appears to have worked for me-I devoured fantasy as a child and was always good at algebra. Although I can think of people who read lots of stories and fantasy and still didn't understand algebra, so again, it's not meant to be the newest method in math education or anything. But if Albert Einstein said it, it must be legit, right?

Sen Olmak İstiyorum

Sen Olmak İstiyorum 
 
“ICH WİLL DU SEIN”

sessiz rüyalar görmek istiyorum
ve onların zarif parlaklığıyla
odamı kabule süslemek istiyorum
ellerinin ellerim
ve saçlarımın üstünde olan duasını
geceme götürmek istiyorum
insanlarla konuşmak istemiyorum
böylece sözlerinin yankısını
(ki o bir sır gibi beni titretir ve sesi varlıklı kılar)
kaybetmeyeceğim
ve akşam güneşinden sonra
hiç bir ışıkta
daha fazla görmek istemiyorum
gözlerinin ateşinde tutuşan
binlerce sessiz kurban için
içinde kabarmak istiyorum
bir çocuk duası gibi
sevinçle bağırılan sabahta
bir fişek gibi
en yalnız yıldızda
ben
sen olmak istiyorum
Rainer Maria Rilke

Robert Sapolsky

I first met Robert Sapolsky years ago at a research conference. My first impression was that he was quiet... too quiet. In a crowded hotel lobby with hundreds of scientists busily jabbering about themselves and their research, he seemed almost transparent. He didn't talk much, took up very little personal space and seemed comfortable and content to just be there and listen to what was going on around him. I chalked him up as yet another scientific introvert. Let's face it, the sad but true fact is some of us go into science to avoid the messy and unpredictable reality that is human interaction. 

On the next day of the conference, Dr. Sapolsky gave a talk, and, as introversion and public speaking are usually at opposite ends of the personality spectrum, I arrived expecting a strained half-hour lecture. I was shocked -- it was as if somebody had switched Sapolsky's on me during the night. He appeared to be two feet taller than the day before -- he was engaging, dynamic, extroverted, lighthearted, and passionate about his work. He spoke of the complexities of hippocampal neuronal death with such ease that even the bellboys at the hotel understood. Dr. Sapolsky covers a wide spectrum. 

This is a neuroscientist who runs a lab of about 20 people investigating causes for neuronal cell death in the brain -- in particular, how stress and the related stress hormones affect a neuron's ability to survive after trauma. He is a MacArthur fellow, and a professor of biological sciences and neuroscience at Stanford University, and he has an outstanding reputation as a dynamic teacher and lecturer. In addition, he is also an accomplished writer and communicator of science to non-scientists. His books on the mechanism of neuronal death, stress, and stress related diseases, and the "biology of the human predicament" are witty and informative. 

Dr. Sapolsky can also be found on the grasslands of Kenya, where he has established a field research program observing baboon behavior for over 20 years. His field studies are composed of extensive behavioral observation combined with physiological measurements of stress. In order to obtain these measurements, Dr. Sapolsky is said to be a reputable shot with a blowdart. I'd like to think that it was his training in techniques of silent behavioral observation that I encountered at our first meeting (and I have been harboring secret fantasies of firing blowdarts at scientists during conventions ever since). 

 I recently had a chance to talk with him again.

Could you explain your current research?
There are three broad areas: 

First, we have known for 50 to 60 years that stress can do bad things to blood pressure, sex life, and the immune system. It turns out that stress hormones can also damage the nervous system -- in particular, a part of the brain involved in learning and memory, which may have something to do with why some of us go into old age with more intact memories than others. I am trying to understand, on a cellular level, how one class of hormones released during stress can damage neurons, and what that has to do with which of us have lots of brain damage after a stroke or seizure, or who succumbs to Alzheimer's. 

The second area is to take that knowledge and try to figure out ways to actively save the neuron after a stroke or seizure using gene therapy techniques to identify genes that might be protective. We are attempting to deliver genes into neurons around the time of crisis to see if we can actually save a neuron. 

The third area includes the fieldwork I'm doing. I am looking at a population of wild baboons living out in Kenya with a very complex and often very socially stressful world. I am basically asking what does social rank and personality have to do with who gets the stress-related diseases? I am looking at neuronal stress related disease, and not just in the brain, but stress damage in virtually any organ of the body. And I am looking at an overwhelmingly important fact: some of us are a lot more vulnerable to stress related disease than others.

Death Constant Beyond Love

  Gabriel Garcia Marquez vividly portrays the loneliness and carelessness that some people experience due to unfortunate circumstances, in his story, Death Constant Beyond Love. I found the title of this story most interesting because the meaning is so direct; I interpret it as regardless of love, or for that matter emotions or feelings, we all expire, we all die. This is the very image that Marquez elucidates through his character, the Senator.

          The Senator has approximately six months to live; he keeps this a secret and goes on with his duty as Senator. His duty, at least as I interpret it, is to continue to deceive the people of Rosal del Virrey to believe that things will be getting better, while all along the whole intent is to keep things the way they are in order for the town to make money by allowing illegal imports at night in the port.

          Before the Senator knew of his impending death, he used to feel bad for people less fortunate. However, after learning of his unfortunate fate his emotions reverse, he no longer feels bad for the barefooted Indians, who are rented as crowd fillers during the Senator’s speeches, and it annoys him that people want to shake his hand. He seems a miserable person, but who’s to say how we would feel in the same situation. He was completely alone, no friends, no family, and no one knew of his situation.

           The Senator’s fake persona is exactly what causes this lonely, careless feeling. The more he tries not to think of his death, it’s constantly hitting him in the head. He’s married, has six children, and has money; however, none of it matters, he is still alone. He falls in love with a young girl named Laura Farina, who’s father killed his first wife and lost his second wife, her mother, to natural causes. Laura’s father begged the Senator for years to get him a fake ID in order for him to be free, but he refused.

          Later, her father notices the Senator’s interest in her and uses her to get what he always begged for—it works, he gets his papers. However, the Senator never gets Laura in the way he wishes, he doesn’t get to be with her intimately, he just sleeps on her shoulder and that’s it. This later turns into a scandal, and once again the Senator is alone.

          Marquez is careful to show that the Senator ill-fated outcome is just as lonely as he felt through his last six months living. I’m not sure if he meant to show this as a lesson, or if he’s trying to imply that this is reality, and what is perceived by others may just be imagination, like the Senator’s pictorial account of the paper birds that turn into real birds. We know this is impossible, but this is how people see others, this is how the world is shown to us, and we believe what we want to believe. It doesn’t mean that we are wrong for imagining, it just means that we are wrong for trusting and believing in everything that shown to us. We need to be skeptics in order to get the truth, and the truth is what sets us free.

Kirilgan

Kırılgan bir çocuğum ben
Yüreğim cam kırığı
Bütün duygulardan önce
Öğrendim ayrılığı
Saldırgan diyorlar bana
Oysa kırılganım ben
Gözyaşlarım mücevher
Saklıyorum herkesten
Ürküyorlar gözümdeki ateşten
Ürküyorlar dilimdeki zehirden
Ürküyorlar o dur durak bilmeyen
gözükara cesaretimden
Diyorlar: Bir yanı sarp bir uçurum,
Bir yanı çılgın dağ doruğu.
Oysa böyle yapmasam ben
Nasıl korurum içimdeki çocuğu?
Bir yanım çılgın nar ağacı
Bir yanım buz sarayı.  



MURATHAN MUNGAN

Life is Like a Snowball

Ever feel we are our decisions? If we decide to be an angry person, we'll become an angry person. If we decide to be hardworking, we'll more likely end up being a hardworking person. 

Why a snowball of decisions? I think cause maybe the starting part is the awkward, the more difficult one. It's the one nobody notices because it's too small. But we realize as we've made decisions in the past, our future decisions seem to be affected by them. If we've decided to be hardworking, we tend to decide not to spend out time doing nothing - and we eliminate activities in our life that our counter-productive. And so it snowballs...it gets bigger...BIGGER....BIGGER...

Hmm..maybe that's why there's the saying "Old dogs can't learn new tricks."


I think our decisions ultimately shape us and make us who we are. The longer we live, the more decisions we make based on our previous decisions....it snowballs. We end becoming who we are. And we become more difficult to change (this is my personal opinion). try unrolling a giant snowball. We become so settled.

Interesting quote on love

“I have stressed the fact that the beloved person is a substitute for the ideal ego. Two people who love each other are interchanging their ego ideals. That they love each other means they love the ideal of themselves in the other one. There would be no love on earth if this phantom were not there. We fall in love because we cannot attain the image that is our better self and the best of our self. From this concept it is obvious that love itself is only possible on a certain cultural level or after a certain phase in the development of the personality has been reached. The creation of an ego ideal itself marks human progress. When people are entirely satisfied with their actual selves, love is impossible. The transfer of the ego ideal to a person is the most characteristic trait of love.” – Theodor Reik “Of love and lust”

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run –
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Moments

If I could live again my life,
In the next – I’ll try,
- to make more mistakes,
I won’t try to be so perfect,
I’ll be more relaxed,
I’ll be more full – than I am now,
In fact, I’ll take fewer things seriously,
I’ll be less hygienic,
I’ll take more risks,
I’ll take more trips,
I’ll watch more sunsets,
I’ll climb more mountains,
I’ll swim more rivers,
I’ll go to more places – I’ve never been,
I’ll eat more ice creams and less (lime) beans,
I’ll have more real problems – and less imaginary ones,
I was one of those people who live
prudent and prolific lives -
each minute of his life,
Of course that I had moments of joy – but,
if I could go back I’ll try to have only good moments,

If you don’t know – that’s what life is made of,
Don’t lose the now!

I was one of those who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer,
without a hot-water bottle,
and without an umbrella and without a parachute,

If I could live again – I will travel light,
If I could live again – I’ll try to work bare feet
at the beginning of spring till the end of autumn,
I’ll ride more carts,
I’ll watch more sunrises and play with more children,
If I have the life to live – but now I am 85,
- and I know that I am dying …

by Jorge Luis Borges

Do Your Best And Don't Worry

Compare the best of their days
with the worst of your days:
you won't win
With your standards so high
and your spirits so low
at least remember:
this is you on a bad day
you on a pale day

Just do your best and don't worry
the way you hang yourself is oh so unfair

See the best of how they look
against the worst of how you are:
and, again, you won't win
With your standards so high
and your spirits so low
at least remember:
this is you on a drab day
you in a drab dress

Just do your best and don't worry
the way you hang yourself is oh so unfair
Just do your best and don't worry
the way you watch yourself is oh so unfair

Just do your best and don't worry
the way you hang yourself is oh so unfair
Just do your best and don't worry
do your best and don't...

All I have...

“It’s the most important thing I have”, she said softly.

“Really, it is all I have, it is the only thing  that separates me from everybody else, that is truly my own, the only thing that is -

me.”

There wasn’t anybody listening to her. She was talking to herself, wandering through the winter day, her face cold from the wind, her soul warmed by this surprising, intimate moment.  The desperation she had felt building within herself over the last few weeks started to crumble and the impact released tears she hadn’t been able to shed before.

Her thoughts continued.

“It has been with me all my life. No matter what the conditions around me nor what roads I took, it has never left me, it has been constant. Through the years, I

heard it

took it for granted,

cherished it,

despised it,

ignored it,

fought it,

questioned it,

thought I lost it,

called for it,

lived it.

It has the strength to rob me of my sleep and appetite, the power to send light into the darkest places. It is relentless, even when my mind and my heart falter. It is the last thing that can be heard when all else is silenced.”

She felt a smile form on her face. There was no mistake. She was listening to it now

The things I like about rainy days

The things I like about rainy days:

-         opening my colorful umbrella in the dark

-         how every street, car, traffic, and neon light is doubled by it’s reflection on the wet street, resembling Christmas any time of the year

-         the feeling of rain on my face, my hair getting drenched – life, nature washing the stale dust of lost opportunities from my soul 

-         the soft empathy people show for those who are caught without protection under the sky’s down pour; an sympathetic look, an invitation for a spot under their umbrella, or a bonding line like ‘hope my rain coat is having a good time in the closet’

-         the intensity of nature’s colours; greens, reds, yellows, browns touched up by a brush stroke of clear

-         rain drop races on window panes

-         puddles sharing a different angle of view

-         how the sidewalks and hiking paths empty out leaving me to stand alone on the world’s stage – enjoying the spot light without a human audience at least for a little while. 

-         The circles drawn by hundreds of invisible , tiny ballet dancers’s toes on clear water surfaces

If you are thinking about suicide... please read this first!

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you're reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won't argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

Well, you're still reading, and that's very good. I'd like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you're at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let's hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

Start by considering this statement:

Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain. 

That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don't accept it if someone tells you, "That's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.

1	You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.
2	Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it's just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.
3	People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4	Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you. But don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.
5	Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

Well, it's been a few minutes and you're still with me. I'm really glad. Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift.

Suicide and Suicidal Behavior

Suicide is the act of taking one's own life on purpose. Suicidal behavior is any action that could cause a person to die, such as taking a drug overdose or crashing a car on purpose.
 

Causes

Suicide and suicidal behaviors usually occur in people with:

• Bipolar disorder
• Borderline personality disorder
• Depression
• Drug or alcohol dependence
• Schizophrenia

People who try to commit suicide are often trying to get away from a life situation that seems impossible to deal with. Many who make a suicide attempt are seeking relief from:

• Feeling ashamed, guilty, or like a burden to others
• Feeling like a victim
• Feelings of rejection, loss, or loneliness

Suicidal behaviors may be caused by a situation or event that the person views as overwhelming, such as:

• Aging (the elderly have the highest rate of suicide)
• Death of a loved one
• Dependence on drugs or alcohol
• Emotional trauma
• Serious physical illness
• Unemployment or money problems

Risk factors for suicide in teenagers include:

• Access to guns
• Family member who committed suicide
• History of hurting themselves on purpose
• History of being neglected or abused
• Living in communities where there have been recent outbreaks of suicide in young people
• Romantic breakup

Most suicide attempts do not result in death. Many of these attempts are done in a way that makes rescue possible. These attempts are often a cry for help.

Some people attempt suicide in a way that is somewhat non-violent, such as poisoning or overdose. Males, especially elderly men, are more likely to choose violent methods, such as shooting themselves. As a result, suicide attempts by males are more likely to be completed.

Relatives of people who attempt or commit suicide often blame themselves or become very angry. They may see the suicide attempt as selfish. However, people who try to commit suicide often mistakenly believe that they are doing their friends and relatives a favor by taking themselves out of the world.

 Symptoms

Often, but not always, a person may show certain symptoms or behaviors before a suicide attempt, including:

• Having trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
• Giving away belongings
• Talking about going away or the need to "get my affairs in order"
• Suddenly changing behavior, especially calmness after a period of anxiety
• Losing interest in activities that they used to enjoy
• Performing self-destructive behaviors, such as heavily drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, or cutting their body
• Pulling away from friends or not wanting to go out
• Suddenly having trouble in school or work
• Talking about death or suicide, or even saying that they want to hurt themselves
• Talking about feeling hopeless or guilty
• Changing sleep or eating habits\

Treatment

A person may need emergency treatment after a suicide attempt. They may need first aid, CPR, or mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
People who try to commit suicide may need to stay in a hospital for treatment and to reduce the risk of future attempts. Therapy is one of the most important parts of treatment.
The condition that may have caused the suicide attempt should be treated. This includes:

• Bipolar disorder
• Borderline personality disorder
• Drug or alcohol dependence
• Major depression

People who are at risk for suicidal behavior may not get treated for many reasons, including:

• They believe nothing will help
• They do not want to tell anyone they have problems
• They think it is a sign of weakness to ask for help
• They do not know where to go for help

Listen To The Words Of A Child

I came across with this poem and loved it.

Teddy, I've been bad again
My mommy told me so;
I'm not quite sure what I did wrong
But I thought you might know.
When I woke this morning
I knew that she was mad
Cause she was crying awful hard,
And yelling at my dad.

I tried my best to be real good
And do just what she said
I cleaned my room all by myself,
I even made my bed.

But I spilled milk on my good shirt,
When she yelled at me to hurry
And I guess she didn't hear me,
When I told her I was sorry

Cause she hit me awful hard, you see,
And called me funny names;
And told me I was really bad
And I should be ashamed.
When I said "I love you Mommy",
I guess she didn't understand;
Cause she yelled at me to shut my mouth,
Or I'd get smacked again
So, I came up here to talk to you
Please tell me what to do
Cause I really love my mommy,
And I know she loves me, too
And I don't think my mommy means,
To hit quite so hard;
I guess sometimes, grown ups forget
How big they really are
So Teddy, I wish you were real
And you weren't just a bear
Then you could help me find a way
To tell mommies everywhere
To please try to understand
How sad it makes us feel;
Cause the outside pain soon goes a way,
But the inside never heals
And if we could make them listen,
Maybe the'd understand;
So other children just like me
Wouldn't have to hurt again

But, for now, I guess I'll hold you tight,
And pretend the pain's not there.
I know you'd never hurt me,
So goodnight, Teddy Bear...

Being A Woman

Special thanks for Kathy!

Women are always told to try harder, to be more than they are, or to improve upon some aspect of their lives. Though it’s always good to work at improvement, sometimes you need to accept and love who you are.

Women struggle with their identity, sometimes throughout their whole lives. It’s hard to know and accept who we are and what we wish to be. Though we may find success in one area we can’t find acceptance if we don’t achieve 100% satisfaction in all aspects of our lives. This is a constant struggle that so many of us face and at the end of the day it’s about being happy with who you are and finding love with the individual that you have become.

Love Who You Are, Whoever That May Be

You may not be perfect by somebody's standards, but why aren’t you following your own? We make the mistake of listening to what somebody else envisions as “perfection” rather than setting our own vision. Women are often their worst critics because we focus too much on what we should be or what we wish we were. Instead of focusing so much attention on that, perhaps we should practice acceptance and love the women that we are.

You may not be thinner, smarter, prettier, or more successful than your friend. You may not be able to run a marathon or sew a button, but is that really your measure of success? We as women could be so much happier if we would just love ourselves and the accomplishments that we have. Rather than focusing on what we are not perhaps it’s more beneficial to focus on what we are.

Many Elements Define Our Identity

We are defined by so many different elements of our identity. We are women first and foremost, but we have special talents and contributions within each of us. We have something that nobody else has. We have a great personality, a successful career, a beautiful family—there is something that we can be happy with and can cause us to love ourselves. This can be a hard lesson for many women because we are taught to work harder or to measure ourselves by what we aren’t rather than by what we are.

Change this trend and learn acceptance. Accept who you are, right and wrong, for the perfections and the imperfections. You are the only version of you and if as women we can learn to love all that this stands for, then we are truly successful in our lives. Though we may have always measured ourselves by the things we wish we were better at, being happy means embracing the identity that you have created for yourself. Be one of those women who truly loves yourself and show it off to the world. This is something remarkable in and of itself and it will impress people with the confidence and self love that it exudes. Be one of the women who shows that she loves who she is and what she stands for, and perhaps others will take cues from you!

Impulse Shop

We all impulse shop.  It’s what great marketing does!  It draws our attention to problems we didn’t know we had and to  wanting something we think will make our lives better!  It’s amazing to me that in this economic climate we constantly talk about saving money yet, did you know that impulse spending is higher than ever?   We spend hundreds (even thousands) of dollars every year on items that we see and impulsively buy while we are out shopping.  $30 a week compounds to over $1500 a year in excess spending!  (I know there are a few of you rolling your eyes thinking you actually went over that $30 dollar amount last week….)

Here are some facts on impulse buying:

• 88% of impulse purchases are made because the item was on SALE.  Try to keep in mind, although it’s on sale, it still costs money!
• Impulse buyers tend to make purchases because it improves their mood – not because the item is useful or necessary.   Emotional spending is like emotional eating…but that’s another story!
• Shoppers make an average of 3 unplanned purchases during 40% of all store visits.  Yikes!  (Those guilty eyes rolling again?  Well…you're not alone…)
• 25% of unplanned purchases are clothing items. 14% are food items.   Those sweets near the check-outs don’t JUST tempt the little ones!
• When people shop with the purpose of buying immediate needs for forgotten items, the rate of compulsive buying drops 53%.  This means we need to get a good old fashioned shopping list… and stick to it (like man do:-). Get in. Get out.
• Shoppers who drive to the store, rather than walking, are 44% more likely to make an impulse purchase.  (Especially those who impulsively buy from the white goods section!… ha ha.. OK, this is no joking matter…)
• When the shopping trip is unplanned, impulse purchases go up 23%.  (Depending of course how many children you have with you and if you are in your favourite shoe shop!)
• Shop with your partner.  Men are not as likely to justify every purchase you make with a smile, nudge and a giggle like a kindred-spirited girlfriend or sister!

Some tips to avoid impulse purchases

It takes some discipline, effort and willpower, but you can curb those impulsive spending habits!

• Plan your trip. Then make a list and stick to it. For those of us on a budget, impromptu shopping trips and shopping without a list can be a treacherous situation!  When we shop without direction or even just emotionally, we find that our low self-esteem can get us into a lot of trouble.
• Go on foot when possible. If you have to carry your purchase any distance, you’ll think twice about whether you really need that extra piece of clothing, heavy cutlery set or grand piano!
• Don’t shop hungry…eat before you go otherwise I, oh, I mean you, could head straight to the food court! . You know this one! When you shop hungry, you’re more likely to buy items you don’t need simply to satisfy immediate cravings rather than the actual needs of your own home requirements.
• Think on it. If you really want that item badly enough, you’ll still want it just as badly two days from now. Most stores will let you put an item on hold for up to a day, allowing you to decide whether or not you really want it.  It works as well for children who throw tantrums for things and you feel so stressed and tired, it’s so tempting to scream “Fine!” at them and put it in the trolley.  I tell my little ones that we need to go and get some money so let the lady “hold onto it for a while and we will come back later”  The salesperson behind the desk usually ‘reads’ your wink and pops it behind the counter.  I can guarantee you that 9 times out of 10, your little one will not remember to come back once you have walked away!! Practice the art of distraction.

Source: Delia Passi and “The Impulse Shopping Fact Sheet.” Infographics.com, 2010