In the narcissistic family, it's all about image. The focus is usually
on "how it looks to others." This can cause troops of people pleasers
and encourage behavior that is not authentic. When children are told to
"put a smile on that pretty little face," or "people don't like children
who cry," or "throw back those shoulders and act like everything is
ok," something gets damaged in the child. The message translates into
"don't be real," and "don't have feelings." A primary internalized
impression found in children raised by narcissists is: "You are valued
for what you do and how it looks, versus who you are as a person."
If a child spends extensive childhood energy attempting to gain love, approval, and acceptance from a narcissistic parent
who cannot provide it, that child learns the ingrained behavior of
people pleasing. The result is disturbing because it creates
co-dependency and even an extreme tolerance for aberrant behavior in
others. When others are mean, the adult child of narcissistic parents
transforms into the one who takes the blame, apologizes, and feels "they"
must be nice. They ultimately even end up trying to fix the problem.
The hurt is there, but is accepted and taken anyway, because they have
learned they cannot expect anything else. Common phrases heard from the
co-dependent are "I'm fine" and "I'm sorry." The message carried from
childhood is that everyone is supposed to like you. Well... do you like
everyone "you" meet?
Isn't it true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet...
you might not really like? You may not choose to take them home as your
best friend or to meet your children and family? They may not be your
kind of folk, or they may have different beliefs and values from you.
You don't have intense negativity towards them, but they might not be
"best friend material" for you or your family. So, why would it not be
true that at least fifty percent of the people you meet, may not like
you? This can be a relief to those who believe that every single person
must like them. It can lift the weight of trying to please everyone,
which results in the ultimate journey of impossible endeavors.
Does
this mean you will be hurtful or ugly back to others who are mean
people? No, there is no need for this when you are taking good care of
yourself. If you are living your most creative life, doing what you want
to do, enjoying the environment
you have created for yourself, you are much less worried about what
others think. You can stay away from the mean and ugly and focus on you
and your own sense of self and recovery. Seeking revenge
or staying in the victim role are no longer viable options. You simply
remove yourself, draw boundaries, and take care of you. You realize that
not everyone will think like you and that is okay. You become more
tolerant of others and the concept of difference but you know that you
control whom you hang out with and what you will be willing to do. There
is no longer a need to blame or be angry because you are in control of
you. In your loving and close relationships, you will more easily be
able to talk through issues that come up with new found confidence in
resolution.
We all know that when others are cruel or mean, it is about them and
whatever is going on for them. But, many are still at risk of letting
others define them, and giving away control. This surrender can allow
others to make you feel awful, rejected and miserable. But, remember, we
can't take counsel from the wounded. We define us. There is amazing
freedom in this elementary wisdom. Wayne Dyer, in his first published work, speaks of what happy people look like. He so aptly says, "They are too busy being
to notice what their neighbors are doing." In a narcissistic culture
today where the focus is glamour glitzed with sparkle, image, and desire
for external validation, there is comfort to be found in the beauty
of you. The real you. Your internal validation is your defining moment.
As the late Eleanor Roosevelt reminds, "Nobody can make you feel
inferior without your consent." How refreshingly simple.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201108/do-i-have-be-nice-people-who-are-mean-me
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