My last blog of 2011-"There’s more room in a broken heart"

Among the most frequently repeated phrases about suffering is that “time heals all wounds”. Time passes. It does not heal. Healing is an active process, not a passive one. If we have a cut and do nothing to clean it out or do not apply a salve, it will probably form a scab. It might take longer and it might develop an infection, but the wound will most likely close and leave a scar.

When we experience wounding to our heart, soul and mind, it feels as if we have been torn open. Sometimes we are bleeding, figuratively, from every orifice of our bodies. Eventually the bleeding stops and the wound closes, but what has closed inside? Have we healed or just closed up with our anger, fear, resentment and doubt inside? Occasionally we develop a “weeping wound,” which doctors define as a wound that doesn’t heal because of noxious matter that continues to fester and ooze.
......
As we begin to explore the meaning of healing through loss(whatever it is), we discover the spiritual roots of the healing arts.The phrase to heal comes from the expression “to be whole,” derived from the belief that when we become sick, we lose our wholeness. Something or someone has broken through our wholeness and caused dis-ease within our body. To heal is to come back into that lost wholeness and ease. Returning to wholeness often means that we must somehow integrate the disease so it is no longer identified as a threat. Once it becomes part of us, we have incorporated what was thought to be a threat into our hearts and souls and minds. This explains how it is possible for someone with an incurable illness to be healed—they can use the disease as a path into wholeness.   Almost a year I tried to find a way to be whole, and finally I reached out to find my healing and possibly my cure. I searched for all those places inside where I felt “not whole” and eventually became the person I always wanted to be. My last words to you were: “If the price of this illness was learning all I’ve learned, I gladly pay with my life because I’ve become the person I always wanted to be.”

.....

Healing and curing are two very different concepts. Healing is a spiritual idea and curing is a medical one. Healing is an active process. It doesn’t happen to us; we must participate in the process of our healing. Healing happens for us. It is a gift we give to ourselves in the moment we decide to stay “open” to that which has broken us.

In chronic pain management, we are taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. The idea is that when pain is resisted, it intensifies, When we breathe deeply and acknowledge the presence of pain, it has room to move and can flow through us more readily. Pain is there to tell us something, to warn us of possible danger. This is as true for emotional, spiritual, and mental pain as it is for physical pain. When pain speaks, we need to listen. All it takes is paying attention to our pain so that when it comes, we remember to breathe and get soft. We don’t want to fight with our pain. We want to learn from it.

Time does not heal. But healing does take time. Give yourself the gift of time. To become whole means that as we open to the pain, we open to the loss. We break open and, as a consequence, we get bigger and include more of life. We include what would have been “lost” to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time to heal. As singer-songwriter Carly Simon tells us: “There’s more room in a broken heart.”

What to do for a burn?

Spending several hours at the hospital, I decided to write something about burn. If hot liquids spill on your body,the best thing is cold water. Keep it in cool water until the initial burning stops-20 minutes under the tap is ideal. Make sure the burn area get cold. Do not use better, milk, vinegar, toothpaste, or ice.. Depending on the size of the burn and the extent of the burn, you may need to go to the ER. If it is as big as your palm (not including your fingers) and the skin is blistered you need to go to the ER. If the skin was taken off immediately, ER. If it is just red, you'll be okay, that is a 1st degree burn which is similar to a sunburn. After it feels like the burning has stopped, and the pain has gone to a more throbbing pain, then you can put ointment (bacitracin zinc-this is what my doctor  prescribed me) on it. If you have a second degree burn like me, you should clean it everyday with mild soap and water like Dial. Because broken blisters increases the risk of infections. Then, use cream on it whatever your doctor prescribed to you/ you bought it (Ointment will make the healing process much faster). Usually, a non-stick pad is applied over the cream (I recommend Telfa). Wrap gauze the around the burn to prevent bacteria and infections. Take some pain relievers to decrease the pain on your legs. 2nd degree burns usually take longer to heal (about 10 days- 3 weeks). It usually doesn't scar with proper care.

This process makes 2nd degree burns to heal much faster. Go to your doctor to check for infections(and they might also cut the dead skin, showing nice pink skin). From then on, healing of the skin will be much faster and you'll have new baby skin (that's what my doctor told me, so I'm excited for that lol.)

In the Garden of Our Life

It’s easy to treat people well when they treat you well. The real test is when they treat you badly.

Think of times you’ve been truly wronged, in small ways or big ones. Maybe someone stole something , turned others against you, broke an agreement, cheated on you, or spoke unfairly or abusively.

When things like these happen, most of us feel mad, hurt, startled, wounded, sad. Naturally it arises to want to strike back and punish, get others to agree with us, and make a case against the other person in our own mind.

These feelings and impulses are normal. But what happens if you get caught up in reactions and go overboard? (Which is different from keeping your cool, seeing the big picture, and acting wisely.) There’s usually a release and satisfaction, and thinking you’re justified. It feels good.

For a little while.

But bad things usually follow. The other person overreacts, too, in a vicious cycle. Other people – relatives, friends, co-workers – get involved and muddy the water. You don’t look very good when you act out of upset, and others remember. It gets harder to work through the situation in a reasonable way. After the dust settles, you feel bad inside.

As the Buddha said long ago, “Getting angry with another person is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.” You can see much the same thing internationally. Gandhi put it so well: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

Sure, you need to clarify your position, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, speak truth to power. The art – and I’m still working on it, myself! – is to do these things without the fiery excesses that have bad consequences for you, others, and our fragile planet.

But How?

Start by getting centered, which often takes just a dozen seconds or so:

• Pause – You rarely get in trouble for what you don’t say or do. Give yourself the gift of time, even just a few seconds.
• Have compassion for yourself – This a moment of feeling “ouch, that hurts, I wish this hadn’t happened.” A neurologically savvy trick for activating self-compassion is to first recall the feeling of being with someone who cares about you.
• Get on your own side – This means being for yourself, not against others. It can help to remember a time when you felt strong, like doing something that was physically challenging, or sticking up for someone you loved.
• Make a plan – Start figuring out what you’re going to do, or at least where you’ll start.

And now that you’re on firmer ground, here are some practical suggestions; use the ones you like:

• Clarify the facts – What actually happened?
• Rate the bad event accurately – On a 0 – 10 awfulness scale (a dirty look is a 1 and nuclear war is a 10), how bad was it, really? If the event is a 3 on the awfulness scale, why have emotional reactions that are a 5 (or 9!) on the 0 – 10 upset scale?
• See the big picture – Recognize the OK aspects of the situation mixed up with the bad ones. Put the situation in the larger context of unrelated good things happening for you, and your lifetime altogether. See the biggest picture of all: how your experiences are continually changing and it’s not worth getting all caught up in them.
• Reflect about the other person – Consider the “10,000 causes” upstream that led him or her to do whatever happened. Be careful about assuming it was intentional; much of the time you’re just a bit player in other people’s drama. Try to have compassion for them, which will make you feel better. If applicable, take responsibility for your own part in the matter (but don’t blame yourself unfairly). You can have compassion and forgiveness for others while still considering their actions to be morally wrong.
• Do what you can, concretely – As possible, protect yourself from people who wrong you; shrink the relationship to the size that is safe. Get support; it’s important for others to “bear witness” when you’ve been mistreated. Build up your resources. Get good advice – from a friend, therapist, lawyer, or even the police. As appropriate, pursue justice.
• Act with unilateral virtue – Live by your code even if others do not. This will make you feel good, lead others to respect you, and create the best chance that the person who wronged you will treat you better in the future.
• Say what needs to be said – There is a good formula from the field of “nonviolent communication”: “When X happens (stated objectively; not “when you are a jerk”), I feel Y (emotions; not “I fell you are an idiot”), because I need Z (deep needs like: “to be safe, respected, emotionally close to others, autonomous and not bossed around”).

Then, if it would be useful, you can make a request for the future. Some examples: “If I bother you, could you talk with me directly?” “Could you not swear at me?” “Could you treat your agreements with me and your children as seriously as you do those at work?”

• Move on – For your own sake, start releasing your angry or hurt thoughts and feelings. Stop your mind from obsessing about the past, and focus on the present and future. Turn toward what is going well, what you’re grateful for. Do things that feel pleasurable.

In the garden of your life, you have to pull some weeds, sure, but mainly focus on planting flowers.

• Be at peace – All you can really do is what you can do. Others are going to do whatever they do, and realistically, sometimes it won’t be that great. Many people disappoint: they’ve got a million things swirling around in their head, life’s been tough, there were issues in their childhood, their ethics are fuzzy, their thinking is clouded, etc. It’s the real world, and cannot be perfected.

You have to find peace in your heart, not out there in the world. A peace that comes from seeing clearly, from building up and focusing on good things in your own garden, and from letting go.

Eyeglasses as Fashion Accessories

I think we should all start off by thanking the unknown, ancient genius who created the irreplaceable invention of glasses. 
Additionally, we should thank the fashion world for transforming them into a statement of style.

 These lenses that have been able to perfect our imperfect vision since before the 13th century have evolved from being a necessary item into a fabulous accessory for any outfit or occasion.

They can add all sorts of edge, flair, and personality to an outfit that is seemingly plain. Whether they are classic and refined, patterned and bright, a vintage throwback, or nerdy and hipster, people now aim to own them regardless of their actual eye prescription.

Especially nowadays it is almost become a privilege to have to wear glasses in general, let alone on a daily basis. The people who are not fortunate enough to require them are now resorting to purchasing fake glasses as an optional form of decoration for their face.

Glasses have the ability to hide your tired and makeup-less eyes, as well as add a level of sophistication to your persona, essentially a whole new dimension to your exterior personality.






 .......
As the weight issue is of importance for women, what style of eyeglasses is suitable for heavy women when it comes to choosing eyeglasses?

First of all, different female should select their women eyeglasses styles. Women of a high forehead are suggested to put their eyeglasses, especially eyeglasses across their forehead to make the forehead lower. However, women with chubby cheeks are advised to put on a pair of comparatively bigger eyeglasses to conceal their baby-fat faces. And a skinny woman is also proposed to wear the eyeglasses in big sunglasses in order to achieve some waggish effect.
.....

If you want to express yourself, you have to choose clear glasses that suit your personal styles very well. This means you not only need to consider the styles of clear glasses but also the shape of your face.

When we speak of glasses match-up, there are actually two ways to match up, one is physical and the other is mental. Physical match-up means the clear glasses match up with your shape of face very well while mental match-up means the style of the clear glasses suit you well. In order to find the proper clear glasses that match up with you physically and mentally, you need to further know the fashion trends of glasses in these days and choose your own style after taking into considerations of your face match-up. As vintage glasses are the most popular in these days, let’s first talk about some kinds of vintage glasses so as to know how to match up with clear glasses.

  Round glasses are both fashionable and suitable for men and women, so you can also choose clear glasses that are made in round frame. In most cases, most people can choose round clear glasses except for those with round face. Normally round face means too soft and lacks of edges, so soft round clear glasses need not to be chosen no matter how you love it. And there are many other choices you can choose from, such as big squared clear glasses. Both men and women have a kind of connection or pursuit for big glasses frames for these frames are truly amazing in themselves. That’s one reason why Ray-Ban has succeeded on regard of that sense.

  For women specifically, cat eye clear glasses are often very perfect and amazing. You can choose tortoise shell cat eye clear glasses that are very sexy and wild or black cat eye clear glasses that are more reserved or the cat eye clear glasses that are made in many other bright colors which seem to be very unique and fashionable. For men specifically, aviator clear glasses are the most favored. Long ago, aviator glasses were invented for American pilots and have become fashionable eyeglasses ever since. The educated and gentle sense that is hidden in aviator clear glasses is really fabulous for most men.

Basic Advices

After hearing sad stories about relationships, I decided to write something about how to get over your ex boy friend/girl friend. After you broke up with your ex-boy/girl friend,some people suggest the best way to get over a breakup is to start dating right away and get yourself distracted from your past. Personally, I should not recommend any body take this advice.

I guess the best way to get over a break up is to take some time for yourself to feel whole again and heal the pain before getting into another relationship. Well, some of you may say "we are still in love each other". Be honest and tell the truth to yourself about your feelings( both negative and positive feelings). You should not fantasize about getting back together in the future. It is better to accept your reasons for the breakup and to accept your relationship is over. This way, after awhile you can really deal with the reality and set real boundaries to your ex. 

Another way might be to talk to your friends and family and ask for their support.You know that you are loved by them and that you are not alone. Just accept their support.

Some may say "I just wanna cry". It’s okay. Nothing is wrong with crying. Let it all out.  Don’t deny your negative feelings.  Don’t react to them.  Just let your feelings be and accept them as they are.

 

And it is always helpful to keep yourself busy.  Some of options I would suggest you are: (1)go out with your friends,(2) Find a hobby, (3)Go to a park. (4) Go to the gym. 

  

Don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world.

You should not forget that the pain that you are experiencing is just temporary. Remember, time will heal.  And life will go on.  And eventually, you will be over him/her.

Always be good to yourself.  Take good care of yourself.  Treat yourself well.  Remember to love yourself.

  

Once you are over the break up, analyze the relationship and yourself.  How did you grow from this experience?  What did you learn about yourself from this experience?  What will you do in the next relationship that is the same?  What will you do differently in the next relationship (If you made mistakes, don’t beat yourself up.  What has happened has happened.  Don’t dwell in the past.  You cannot change what has already happened.  Just be sure to not make the same mistakes again in the future).  You need to accept things as they are and learn from the experience, good or bad.

 

Finally, when you are ready, make yourself available to meet others.  Remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

If a Man Wants You

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve

then heck no, you can’t "be friends."

A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself

a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant,

Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has

more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.

Oh Lord!  If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about

baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists

of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun; even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re

always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

By: Salma Rumman

Shoe Lover

Cinderella is a proof that a pair of shoes can change your life...

 They’re absolutely gorgeous. They’re found in multiple colours.

 In love with these cherry red pretties by Rachel Comey. Classic clogs with gorgeous red velvet…ah lights up my day…it does!

Came across these stunning Christian Louboutin Pigalle Glitter-Covered Leather Ballet Flats while browsing some blogs today.Aren’t they stunning?

These candy red gumboots make me want to wear them and splash around in every puddle I come across.Or maybe I’ll make some puddles.Just so I can jump in them.Or maybe not.I wouldn’t want to ruin these.Because they remind me of a young Chanel, wearing these, singing in a Parisian cafe. Yes, she sang in cafes before she cut up her boyfriend’s clothes to make stuff for herself to wear. I read the book AND saw the movie. So I know.

Darlington sells unique handmade moccasins.These moccasins are made of suede leather, which will stretch and shape to your foot with wear.They are softsoled, which means they have no hard sole only leather.The bottom of the shoes is the same leather as the rest of the shoe.

This picture pretty much made my day today. Iconic classic design that will
 never go out of style. Chanel!

The right pair of red pumps!And fell in love with it! So true…the right pair of red pumps can change an entire personality…let alone the outfit!

There's a documentary about the relationship between women and their favorite accessory: shoes! The film includes interviews with designers Christian Louboutin and Pierre Hardy as well as commentary from shoe obsessed celebrities like Fergie, Dita Von Teese and Kelly Rowland.

Even shoe fetishists make an appearance.

Seksi!

 

The Duck with a Human Mind

İki ördek kavga ettiğinde – ki hiç uzun sürmez- bir süre sonra ayrıldıklarını ve farklı yönlere uçtuklarını görürüsünüz. Bir birlerinden ayrılınca güçlü bir şekilde kanatlarını çırparlar ve böylede kavga sırasında topladıkları aşırı enerjiyi atarlar üzerlerinden . Hiç bir şey olmamış gibi huzurla süzülürler.

Eğer ördekler insan zihnine sahip olsalardı, kavgayı düşüncede canlı tutar, hikayeler kurarlardı. Bir ördeğin hikayesi muhtemelen şöyle olurdu: ‘’ Az önce yaptığına inanamıyorum. On santim yanıma yaklaştı . Sanki gölün sahibi oymuş gibi davranıyor. Özel alanıma hiç saygısı yok. Bir dahaki sefere beni kızdırmak için başka şeyler yapacak. Bir dahaki sefere ona unutamayacağı bir ders vereceğim.’’ Böylelikle , zihin bir sürü hikayeler kurup durur ve aradan zaman da geçse , öfke ilk günkü gibi devam eder ve unutmaz.

Vücuda gelince , düşüncelerde kavga hala devam ettiğinden , vücut da gerçekle düşünceler arasındaki farkı bilmediğinden , bütün düşünceler için hormonal ve enerjisel tepkiler vermeye devam eder. Kavga halini yaşayarak hep kavgaya hazır tutar kendisini. Bir düşünce bir sonrakini tetikleyerek tamamen düşüncelerden oluşan zincirleme bir reaksiyona dönüşür..

Bir insan zihni olsaydı zavallı ördek böyle düşünecekti. Ama malesef bir çok insan aynı bu şekilde yaşıyor tüm hayatını. Bir çok olay gerçekte bitmiyor. 

(Eckhart Tolle Şimdinin Gücü)

 After two ducks get into a fight, which never lasts long, they will separate and float off in opposite directions. Then each duck will flap its wings vigorously a few times, thus releasing the surplus energy that built up during the fight. After they flap their wings, they float on peacefully, as if nothing had ever happened.

If the duck had a human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck's story: "I don't believe what he just did. He came to within five inches of me. He thinks he owns this pond. He has no consideration for my private space. I'll never trust him again. Next time he'll try something else just to annoy me. I'm sure he's plotting something already. But I'm not going to stand for this. I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget." And on and on the mind spins its tales, still thinking and talking about it days, months, or years later. As far as the body is concerned, the fight is still continuing, and the energy it generates in response to all those thoughts is emotion, which in turn generates more thinking. This becomes the emotional thinking of the ego. You can see how problematic the duck's life would become if it had a human mind. But this is how most humans live all the time. No situation or event is ever really finished. The mind and the mind-made "me and my story" keep it going.

We are a species that has lost its way. Everything natural, every flower or tree, and every animal have important lessons to teach us if we would only stop, look, and listen. Our duck's lesson is this: Flap your wings — which translates as "let go of the story" — and return to the only place of power: the present moment.

(Eckhart Tolle- The Power of Now)

Kendini Tanima ve Es Secimi

Evleneceğimiz kişinin kim olduğuna karar vermek demek bundan sonraki  uzun yaşam yolculuğunu kiminle yapmak istediğine karar vermek demektir. Bu nedenle eş seçimi kişinin hayatta vereceği  en önemli kararlardan biridir. Eş seçiminde yanlış kararlar almak kişiyi mutsuz bir hayat yaşamakla yüz yüze getirebilir.
Doğrusu aşık olduğumuz bir insanla evlenmek güzel bir şeydir. Ancak bu iyi bir evlilik ilişkisine sahip olacağımızı garantilemez. Eş seçiminde sevgi son derece önemli  ve  gerekli olmakla birlikte yeterli değildir. Bu nedenle eş seçimine karar verirken kişi hem kendini hem eş adayını iyice tanımaya çalışmalı ve değerlendirmelidir. Konu hem duygusal açıdan hem mantıksal açıdan enine boyuna iyice tartıp biçilmelidir.
Eşler daima ötekinin değişmesini talep ederler. Çünkü her şey ona göre eşinin başının altından çıkıyordur. Tabi öteki de berikinin düşündüğü gibi düşünüyor. Oysa kişinin iyi bir evlilik
ilişkisine sahip olabilmesi için önce kendini iyi tanıması sonra da eş adayını tanıma safhasına geçmesi gerekir.

Peki eş seçimine karar vermeden önce kişi neler yapmalı?

Öncelikle evliliğe karar vermeden önce kişi kendini  iyice tanımalıdır. Çünkü ben kiminle evleniyorum? Onunla anlaşabilecek miyim? şeklindeki sorulara vereceği cevaplar kişinin kendini tanımasına bağlıdır. Genelde kişinin evleneceği kişi üzerinde durması eş seçiminde yapılan hatalardan biridir. Kişi kendini  tanıyıp tahlil etmediği için evleneceği  eş adayı ile anlaşıp anlaşamayacağının cevabını sağlıklı bir şekilde veremez. Dolayısı ile kişi önce kendini tanımakla işe başlamalı gerçekten kendini tanımalıdır.

Gelgelelim işin en can alıcı noktası da burasıdır. Can alıcıdır çünkü kişinin kendini tanıması karşısındaki eş adayını tanımaktan çok daha zordur. En genel anlamı ile kişinin kendini tanıması farkındalıktır. Aile ortamında, iş yaşamında, ikili ilişkilerde kendimle olan ilişkilerimde nasıl biriyim sorusuna cevap bulunmasıdır.
Bu soruya cevap bulunması kesinlikle kişinin kendi içinde zaman zaman yüreğinin burkulacağı, zaman zaman sevinç ve coşku duyacağı uzun ve yorucu bir iç yolculuğa çıkması demektir. Bu yolculukta kişinin anne karnından başlayarak çocukluk döneminde şekillenen kendi duygusal kalıplarını farketmesi, hissetmesi ve ayırt etmesi gerekir. Bu kalıplara örnek olarak korku, nefret, öfke, sevinç, coşku vb. duyguları verebiliriz. Kişi ancak bu şekilde zayıf ve güçlü yönlerini görebilir.

Kişinin kendini tanıma yolculuğunda şu iki yanlışı yapma potansiyeli daima vardır. Kendi benliğini olduğu gibi göremeyip şişirme. Bu durumda kişi en iyi evliliği en iyi kariyeri ister. Bununda hayal kırıklığı ile sonuçlanma olasılığı oldukça yüksektir. Diğer taraftan kendini olduğundan değersiz görebilir ki bu da kendine güvenmemesine ikili ilişkilerde olumsuz  yaşantısal deneyimlere zemin hazırlar.

Kısacası kişi önce kendini  tanımalı ve benim  önceliklerim neler diyebilmeli ve önceliklerini  belirlemelidir. Bu konularda farkındalık geliştirmelidir.

Kişi kendini tanıma sürecini tamamladıktan sonra ikinci olarak eş adayını tanıma sürecine girmelidir. Eş adayını tanımanın:

Birinci yolu: Onun geçmiş yaşantısına bakmak, geçmiş yaşantısını tanımak ve öğrenmektir.
İkinci Yolu: Eş adayının arkasında neler bıraktığına bakmaktır. Çevresinde nasıl bir izlenim bıraktı? Şimdiye kadar neler ortaya koymuş, onun alışkanlıkları nelerdir? Alışkanlık deyip geçmeyin alışkanlıklar hayatımızdır.
Üçüncü yolu: Etkileşim halinde kişi hakkında izlenimler edinilmelidir. Kişi ben bu kişiyi seviyorum deyip  ilk iki nedeni atlar ve etkileşim sırasındaki izlenimlerini baz alarak karar verirse yanılma payı hatırı sayılır derecede artar. Çünkü genellikle evlenecek kişiler olaya duygusal yaklaştıkları için birbirlerinin sadece olumlu taraflarını görürler. Olumsuz taraflarını ise evlendikten sonra bir arada yaşamaya başlayınca görürler. Bu da evlilikte yaşanan hayal kırıklıklarının en önemli nedenlerinden biridir. Aynı şekilde evlilikte yaşanan hayal kırıklıkları da evlilik sorunlarının en önemli nedenlerinden biridir.

Evlilikte aşk ve sevgi önemlidir. Ancak aşk ve sevginin iyi bir ilişkinin meyveleri olarak ortaya çıktığının altı iyice çizilmelidir.

Bu nedenle evlenecek kişinin olumlu ve olumsuz tarafları iyice tanınıp kişinin kendi öncelikleri ile kıyaslanmalıdır. Aksi takdirde kaçınılmaz hayat dalgaları evlilik gemisine çarpmaya başladığında eşler arasındaki anlaşmazlıklar evlilik ilişkisinin gündemine oturur.

Evleneceğimiz kişiyi tanımaya çalışırken kendimize,
Evleneceğimiz kişi neyi seviyor?
Nelerden hoşlanıyor?
Nelerden nefret ediyor?

Fikirlerinde, hayat felsefesinde ve kişiliğinde benimki ile örtüşen taraflar var mı? gibi sorularla yaklaşarak farklılıklar ve benzerlikler  tahlil edilmelidir.

Ayrıca sevgi de test edilmelidir. Seven kişi fedakarlık eder. Birbirini sevmek ve tanımak yeterli değildir. Kişilerin iyi bir evlilik ilişkisine sahip olmaları için karşılıklı çaba sarfetmeleri gerekir. Doğrusu evliliğin kader çizgisini çeken şeyde eşlerin karşılıklı çaba göstermeleridir.

Evlilik öncesinde çoğu kişi duygularının güdümünde hareket eder. Açıkcası  burada bir  sevgi ve duygu köprüsünün olması çok istendik bir durumdur. Ancak kişilerin aşık olma döneminde duyguları ile hareket ederken karşıdaki kişiyi yanlış değerlendirme olasılığı çok yüksektir.

Toplumda eş adaylarının flört etmeleri gerekir gibi genel bir kabul olsa da flört döneminde bazı eş adayları bazı yönlerini gizleyebiliyorlar. Bu dönemde eş adayları duydusal nedenlerle birbirlerine objektif bakamazlar. Dolayısı ile flört dönemi gerçek manada adayların birbirini tanımasını garantilemez. Evlilik terapilerinde  tarafların birbirlerini bağımsız ve tarafsız gözleyemediği ya da bazı şeyleri birbirinden gizleyebildiklerini, birbirlerine nesnel yaklaşmadıklarını gözlemlemekteyiz.

Eş seçiminde önemli yanlışlıklardan biri de karar verirken sevginin birinci plana alınmasıdır. Oysa evlilik kararı verirken birinci plana alınması gereken şey evlenecek kişilerin ortak yönlerinin, değerlerinin olup olmadığıdır. Hayat felsefesinin azami noktalarda uyuşup uyuşmadığıdır. Kişi benim gerçek önceliklerim neler diyebilmeli  ve eş adayının gerçek öncelikleri ile karşılaştırarak bu gibi konularda farkındalık geliştirmelidir.

Evlilik öncesi dönemde kişiler baştan aşkı yakalamış olabilirler. Ancak bu aşkın iyi bir ilişki ile korunup kollanmaması durumunda kısa zamanda yok olacağını kafalarının arka planında tutmalıdırlar. Çünkü iyi bir evlilik ilişkisi ancak emekle gün be gün ve saat be saat inşa edilebilen bir şeydir.

Evlilik döneminde nişalılık sürecine dikkat edilmelidir. Bu dönem evlilik ilişkisi için olumlu veya olumsuz sınyellerin verildiği dönemdir.

Evlilik öncesi dönemde nişanlılık süreci en çekici en hoş dönemlerden biridir. Çünkü insanın kendisini düşünen birisinin olması çok hoş bir duygudur. Diğer taraftan evlilik hazırlıklarının oluşturduğu stres ve birbirlerini daha iyi tanımaya başlamaları  ile aynı zamanda bazı problemlerinde yaşandığı bir dönemdir.

Evlilikte ortaya çıkma ihtimali olan olası problemlerden bazıları ama asla hepsi değil bu dönemde baş gösterebilir. Ve bu aslında çiftin problemleri birlikte aşıp aşamayacakları konusunda veri veren yaşantısal bir deneyimdir. Çift nişanlılık döneminde yoğun problemler yaşaması ve bunların aralarında halledilememesi durumund bu problemlerin evliliğe taşınarak evlilik ilişkisini zehirleme olasılığı her zaman vardır. Ama en çok da  çiftlerden biri için problematik bir durum diğeri için değilse ve kişi tek başına bunu içinde yaşıyorsa.
İkili aşk ilişkilerinin tölerans aşamasında kişilerin en çok yaptıkları yanlışlardan biri, partnerinin hoşuna gitmeyen taraflarını görmezden gelip evlenince değişir ya da ben onu değiştiririm şimdi karşı çıkarsam ilişkimi kaybederim düşüncesidir. Diğer taraftan da çiftler ilişkinin kuruluşu, nişanlılık aşamasında birbirlerini tanırken ortaya çıkacak farklılıkları büyütme eğilimine de kapılabilirller.  partnerlerin yüzde yüz uyumlu olmasını beklemek iki insan arasındaki ilişki gerçekliğine uymaz. Taraflar arasında bazı konularda farklı hatta zıt görüşlerin olması kaçınılmaz ve doğaldır. Hatta bir zenginliktir. Her iki partner  farklı bireyler olarak birbirlerinin farklı iç dünyalarının olduğunu kabullenmeli  ve birbirlerinin iç dünyalarına kabul ve saygı ile yaklaşmalıdır.

Aynı şeyleri yapmaktan hoşlanma, olaylar karşısında benzer tepkiler gösterme eğilimi sıklıkla beklenir ve istenir. Ancak bu partnerin özel dünyasını  yok saymaya farklılıkları görmezden gelmeye neden olursa farklılıklar ortak noktalar için feda edilir.  Bu da beraberinde aşırı kontrolü, en kötüsü de kişinin bireyselliğinin sönümlenmesine ve ilişkide içtenliğin ölmesine neden olur. Çünkü kişiyi var eden şey kendine has iç özellikleridir. Yani evleneceğim kişinin her şeyi benim gibi olmalı yanılgısına düşülmemelidir.

Evlilik öncesi her ilişki bir tarafıyla bütün dış etkilere açık, kendi içinde zayıf bir dönemi yaşar. Henüz kök salmadığı için iklim şartlarının her türlü zararlı etkisine açıktır.

Diğer taraftan evlenecek kişiler olmaz, vazgeçerim, boşanırım düşüncesi ile yola çıkmamalıdır. Evlilik yetişkin yaşamına bir yolculuktur. Tereddütlü yolculuğa çıkılmaması tercih ve tavsiye edilir.

How Did GRIEF Get an Expiration Date?

Certain things need an expiration date. Milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish… there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away… I get all that. But does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life—6-12 months—and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service.  If it was only that simple…


The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it’s easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there’s an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.

I’ve heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. (I remember feeling the expectation of a grief expiration date myself.) Those who aren’t grieving believe it, and often those who are also believe it - this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.


The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain free place.

The reality is they won’t be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.

The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss  is their “new normal".
Sometimes I would hear insensitive comments, like “aren’t you over your brother's death?” Or when someone experienced a more recent loss, I would get “Oh, poor [so and so]. What a tragic loss!"
 

I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you aren’t doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it’s normal. And it’s okay.


This is what I know to be true:

Grief IS a life-long journey. An emotional handicap you get up, and live with everyday. It doesn’t mean you can’t lead a happy life, but it is a choice, and takes work.

The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.

Grief will take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot. Others talk about it a lot. Many seek counseling or join a support group, and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.

If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. Alternatively, if years after the loss, you can’t bear the mention of your loved ones name, you sleep all day, you aren’t participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.

Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, doesn’t mean you won’t have those tough days or tough moments.

There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That doesn’t have to mean you can’t and won’t live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, doesn’t have an expiration date either.

No Expiration Date

In the days and weeks following my brother’s death, countless people told me “it will get easier.” Now, four months later, I can say that yes, in some ways it has. My brother’s death is no longer one of the first things I remind myself of when I wake up, nor is it the last thing I think about before I fall asleep; it no longer consumes me.

But, I still miss him.  I still have days and weeks when it’s just as painful as it was four months ago, and I still have moments that make my head spin. There are several things, in particular,that almost always trigger one of these moments and force me to quite literally say hello to my grief. Here are the main five “little things” that get to me:

Questions about Family
There are frequently questions when you meet someone new, and based on the majority of my experiences, these questions are typically asked by curious, or trying-to-be-polite. People ask me how many siblings you have. At the beginning I would neglect to say “I have one sister left” and I would simply say I had one brother and one sister. Now, I just say “I used to have two siblings. My brother passed away and I only have one sister”.
Of course, the instant I release these words into the air, I see the change on their face. They quickly try to smooth their stunned expression and mutter an “I’m sorry.” Then, in an almost ironic way, I console them, letting them know that it’s OK—I’m OK.

Things that mean something more to you
There have been countless occasions when I’m watching a movie or TV show, or listening to a song or story with a friend, when something hits me. A line or situation sticks out, reminding me of my brother in some way. Suddenly something’s different; there’s a pang of sadness, a feeling of nostalgia, or a flood of bittersweet sentiment.
Sometimes this moment is brief and I bounce back immediately. Other times, I feel the tears rushing to my eyes and am forced to actively remain composed.

Time
Hands down, one of the hardest things that has come with losing my brother is the occasional realization of how much time has passed. Birthdays, holidays, and other milestones are all reminders.

There are days when I feel like it was just yesterday that he died, but other times, I feel as if it has been a lifetime and I can no longer imagine my life with him in it.

There are moments when I must consciously think about how long it has been since he died; it’s as if having him here was a past life of mine—a movie that I’ve watched countless times and memorized but never actually lived.  There are times when I realize that I’m slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me.  So, I make a concerted effort to replay poignant moments in my mind.

Many people who have not lost someone mistakenly believe that death is something you will “get over.” However, the truth is, I still hurt. Four months later, it’s not as constant as at the beginning, overwhelming, consuming grief, but the little things, within which grief hides,  that hit me when I least expect it.

Insan Neden Yazar?

Insan ne icin yazar diye bir soruyla basladim bugunku yazima. Orwell a gore yazmanin gerekceleri: para kazanmak, salt bencillik, estetik merak, tarihsel durtu ve siyasal amac. Sait Faik e gore ise tamamen “icini bosaltmak” icin (Profosyonel yardim almaksizi kendi basina terapi diyebiliriz buna). Bugun edebiyat dunyasindaki bircok onemli ismin ayni sebeplerden kaleme sarildigini dusunebiliriz. Cogumuz okur olarak yazarlarin ne icin yazdigi(amaclari) ile ilgilenmez, sadece eserlerine yoneiliriz. 

Bu soruyu kendime yoneltecek olursam: “Ben ne icin yaziyorum?” Bazen kafamdaki bir soruyu cevaplamak, bazen bilgimi paylasmak, bazen de hissettigim yogun duygulari bir kurgu icinde disari kusmak icin yaziyorum. Bazen ofkemi, bazen kirginligimi, bazen de mutlulugumu kisilerin isimleri acikca telaffuz etmeden paylasmam da yardimci olan yollardan biri yazmak.

Usta kalemlerin yazma sebeplerine bakacak olursak yukaridakilere ilaveten topluma karsi sorumluluklarindan gerekcesini ilave edebiliriz. Elbetteki yalnizca yazarlarin degil bir birey olarak hepimizin icinde bulundugu topluma karsi sorumluluklari var.Sadece yazarlarin topluma ulasim araclari yazi oldugu icin ozel bir itimam, ayrica bir ele alis gerektiriyor bence.

En buyuk sermayesi kelimeler olan bu guzide is gurubundaki degerli bireylerimizin bir kismi nedense toplum meselelerine uzak kalmayi yegliyorlar. ‘Uzak’ kelimesini acacak olursam “DUYARSIZ” kalmak, “soyutlamak” seklinde ifade edebilirim.

“Neden usta kalemler toplumsal olaylara kayitsiz kalmayi tercih ediyor?” Belki kiminin belirgin bir durusu yok, belki olanlarin bir kismida duruslarini acikca sergilemekten cekiniyorlar. Halk icinde bilinen bir tabirle ifade edecek olursam “suya sabuna dokunmak” istemiyorlar, sadece islerine gelen yonlere odaklanip, sorunun ana sebeplerini yada kendi cozumlerini dile getirmekten kaciniyorlar. Muhtemeldirki okuyucu kaybetme yani para kaybetme korkusuda, endiseside fikirlerinin ne derece aciklikla yazilacagini belirleyen bir unsur.

Biliyoruzki, hepimizin baktigini, ama bazilarimizin gorebildigini ancak en iyi yazarlar ifade edebilir. Onlarin eserlerine olan ilgimiz, onlari okuma sebebimizde onlarin belki bizden daha iyi gormeleri, veya gorduklerini bizden daha iyi anlatabilmeleri olabilir. Peki kelimelerle insanlari sarhos edebilen yazarlarimiz, neden bu becerilerini sorunlari acikca dillendirmek icin kullanmiyorlar? Yazilan kinama metinleri altina imza atmak yerine kelimelerle oynama sanatini kullansalar daha etkili olmaz mi? Olumu kutsayanlari kinasalar, cocuk istismari yapanlara olan kizginliklarinin acikca dile getirselerde bize yazinin gucunu kanitsalar iyi olmaz mi? En azindan bir konu hakkinda rahatsizliklarini acikca dile getirseler herhalde “Fatmagul’un sucu ne?” dizisine yaptiklari yorumlari dinlerken gosterdikleri duyarliliktan fazlasini gostermis olurlar biz siradan halktan olan kisilere.