No Expiration Date

In the days and weeks following my brother’s death, countless people told me “it will get easier.” Now, four months later, I can say that yes, in some ways it has. My brother’s death is no longer one of the first things I remind myself of when I wake up, nor is it the last thing I think about before I fall asleep; it no longer consumes me.

But, I still miss him.  I still have days and weeks when it’s just as painful as it was four months ago, and I still have moments that make my head spin. There are several things, in particular,that almost always trigger one of these moments and force me to quite literally say hello to my grief. Here are the main five “little things” that get to me:

Questions about Family
There are frequently questions when you meet someone new, and based on the majority of my experiences, these questions are typically asked by curious, or trying-to-be-polite. People ask me how many siblings you have. At the beginning I would neglect to say “I have one sister left” and I would simply say I had one brother and one sister. Now, I just say “I used to have two siblings. My brother passed away and I only have one sister”.
Of course, the instant I release these words into the air, I see the change on their face. They quickly try to smooth their stunned expression and mutter an “I’m sorry.” Then, in an almost ironic way, I console them, letting them know that it’s OK—I’m OK.

Things that mean something more to you
There have been countless occasions when I’m watching a movie or TV show, or listening to a song or story with a friend, when something hits me. A line or situation sticks out, reminding me of my brother in some way. Suddenly something’s different; there’s a pang of sadness, a feeling of nostalgia, or a flood of bittersweet sentiment.
Sometimes this moment is brief and I bounce back immediately. Other times, I feel the tears rushing to my eyes and am forced to actively remain composed.

Time
Hands down, one of the hardest things that has come with losing my brother is the occasional realization of how much time has passed. Birthdays, holidays, and other milestones are all reminders.

There are days when I feel like it was just yesterday that he died, but other times, I feel as if it has been a lifetime and I can no longer imagine my life with him in it.

There are moments when I must consciously think about how long it has been since he died; it’s as if having him here was a past life of mine—a movie that I’ve watched countless times and memorized but never actually lived.  There are times when I realize that I’m slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me.  So, I make a concerted effort to replay poignant moments in my mind.

Many people who have not lost someone mistakenly believe that death is something you will “get over.” However, the truth is, I still hurt. Four months later, it’s not as constant as at the beginning, overwhelming, consuming grief, but the little things, within which grief hides,  that hit me when I least expect it.